Desert Magnolia

I have two very hip, very modern kids who have each logged at least a million texts on their respective smart phones/iPhones. Seriously. You should see them go! They're poetry in motion, and I watch in awe as they generate copy at the speed of light. It's something to behold, I'll tell ya. I, however, am not a fast texter. In fact, I believe it's safe to say I am a slow, methodical, painful to watch if you're them, kind of texter. And it's not because I have big man hands - I don't. I have tiny hands for someone my size (5'8", athletic, strong looking), which are often the topic of conversation among friends. I don't know why everyone is so fascinated by how small my hands are, but clearly that's not the reason I seem to hit the wrong letters too often, and get super frustrated in the process. I've tried to flip my iPhone horizontally and get into some kind of rhythm with my thumbs, but the misspellings and plain weird shit that g...

I don't know where the year has gone, I just don't. There have been many many happenings, some good, some neutral, some shitty, but mostly everything has gone super fast. Super. Fast. Maybe it's the turning 50 thing. Maybe it's the being in school thing. Maybe it's the leaving the company I have been with since Day 2 and becoming a consultant. (Which, by the way, I think is for grownups and I really, apparently, don't view myself that way most of the time. Go figure.) Maybe it's the fact that each day is packed with more than I can possibly manage well, so there is much juggling taking place. In any case, we're here. The week before Christmas, and all through the house...we're waiting for Son to come home so we can set up the tree and decorate. Daughter got in Saturday night, which was amazing and I realized I NEVER want to go so very long EVER again without seeing that girl. EVER. Son is currently in Amsterdam blowing off some steam and...

Some days it's just hard to focus. Today is one of those for me. What I should be doing is writing at least one, if not two, case studies that are due this and next Monday, respectively. What I have been doing is...random. Get up Eat breakfast Announce to hubby that I will be unable to play until I get my case study(s) done Make bed Start a load of laundry Read a chapter in new beach book  Weigh myself Decide to move my body (yes this is directly related to prior item..ahem...) Move body Change into warm comfies, ie sweats and fleece Find recipe for Grandma Alice's Beans and Rice Text hubby about whether he's going to be anywhere near a grocery store Move laundry from washer to dryer Boot up computer, locate case study document in progress, make some edits Send hubby list of items I need for dinner recipe Search for some information, get seriously distracted after initial search frustrates me Spend half hour on some strange journey on the Web popping ...

Today dawned cold, cold, very cloudy, with a promise for very bad weather over the next few days, and feels wintry. This is our first wintry day..we've had some rain, which has been really lovely, but not so cold. Days like these make me crave homemade soups, hot teas, hot chocolate, and comfort in the form of snuggling, and soft, fleecy blankets. Oh, and fires. We're going to make a fire tonight for the first time this year. I can't wait. Fridays in general, I'm finding, are about attempting a balance between work/school/personal. The toll of the first four days of the week I tend to feel by Friday, so I'm finding I take some time to nurture myself and pamper a little just to kind of restore what I can of my strength and focus. This morning..breakfast with hubby, quick cleanup after that then a grooming session. Much needed, as it turns out. Eyebrows are now in check. Skin looks and feels a little better after nice scrub and moisturize. Body feels sleeker af...

I haven't wasted too much energy boring you all with yet another decision to grow my locks out again, because I seem to do this on a regular basis and the process is maddening. There are the phases..endless strange moments as the very short pixie layers grow out a bit. There was the decision to highlight again because, as it turns out, I am NOT ready to be just silver and dark brown yet. There is the goal setting..'this is the look I'm shooting for..I think..at this moment in time but my mood/vision could change at any moment and we might have another target entirely'.....idea...Erika the Great has a photo on file of the first look I declared to want for this particular growout. She brings it out to show me where we're headed, and fortify me for one more stint of 'just working through the middle layer growout, which is usually the hardest...' She's amazing. I am, however, having a hard day. I usually shower, wash my hair, then just brush it an...

My early childhood was spent watching my parents finish college. They were both Fine Arts majors, which meant the crowd they hung around was eclectic (most of them smoked serious amounts of ganja and had at least dabbled in psychedelics - it was the late 60's, after all), artistic, and very much not the type of people my grandparents socialized with. My grandparents, a metalurgical engineer grandpa and a nurse grandma, were cut out of different cloth. The kind that doesn't ever dabble in psychedelics unless they're prescribed by a licensed physician, and they were very much salt of the earth. Anyway, I spent a LOT of time with my grandparents. They helped raise me, and certain images from that era of my life will remain permanently etched in my psyche. One that was just triggered by a big black fly trying buzzing against the sunlit window in our dining room is one of Grandpa Jack's relentless decimation of flying insects. He was one focused dude, and used a flyswa...

Driving home after clinic last night I was struck by the sudden appearance of Fall in the color of the trees, the feel of the air, and the quality of the late afternoon light that shone down. It happens fast, and suddenly Summer is gone and the mornings have a chill, the leaves turn that beautiful golden yellow, and it's time to bust out the long sleeves and sweaters again. I always enter a soup frenzy this time of year too, and break out my favorite Italian Wedding Soup and Lemony Chicken Soup recipes to make and enjoy in the cooler evenings. There's something so fundamentally comforting about a fragrant, nourishing soup and crusty bread, often accompanied by a rich glass of red wine to round out the meal. Running during this time of year always makes me smile. As I ascend the desert trail I smell the late blooming desert plants with their tangy, spicy fragrance. I notice the shadows in slightly different positions than they've been all Summer long on the trail, and I...

These days there is no norm. Which isn't a terrible thing, but tends to be a little disconcerting at times. I watch my fellow students caught in the vortex of their studies, defining their realities by project due dates, quizzes, exams, milestones that are part of this endeavor. I have those things too. What I'm struggling with is how to meet all of the obligations for the long-term effort while striving to be productive on a work level for my former colleagues/now clients. It should be easy, but it's not. Even if it's not supposed to be easy, per se, I don't know if it's supposed to be this damned difficult. I'm not sure if I am just about to break through another one of those stupid walls that keeps showing up in front of me or if I'm missing something obvious here, but I'm looking forward to some kind of clarity, the sooner the better. And it's not about inertia. I'm pretty sure I'll figure it out soon, but in the meantime I...

Happy Fall, everyone! Aren't the cooler days and beginning of changing colors amazing?? I love this time of year...I really do. It's been awhile since I've felt like writing anything. Big changes have been taking place in my life and for some reason the energy to deal with them, their implications, the day-to-day and try to think of something remotely interesting to say has been too much. But it's time to press on and let the thoughts flow again. I'm now a consultant. What does that mean? Well, it means I am on my own to generate enough business so that our financial ship doesn't sink while I tackle the enormity of school. It means I'm no longer an employee in any sense of the word, that I have no benefits, no real ties to speak of professionally, and am floating a little in a sea of possibility that feels a little like it's pulling me under at the moment. But that's how it goes. I've done this before, but many years ago with much less a...

Hard to believe the Summer is nearly gone. Hard to believe that this weekend is Labor Day, after which we'll refrain from wearing white ..shoes, pants, hats, etc. Or maybe not. As summers go, this one has been good, but mostly uneventful, which is ok. We've gotten rain for the first time in years (lots of it), which has been good. We've had fires everywhere, which is not so good. Son is back in the UAE, which is good, but means he's far away and if it's possible to miss someone more because they're further away? I do. He's working like a dog, but says he loves it, so we're happy about that. Not the dog part, the happy part. Daughter is playing soccer, and has begun her senior year of college, after which many possibilities exist, but no real plans yet there. We'll see. We just want her to have some fun, have a good season, and kick butt her final year of college. We are doing what we do. GG is settling back into the school routine again. I...

GG (hubby) works hard to keep our yard gorgeous. We have an amazing garden, water features, grass, fruit trees, and a gorgeous Japanese maple that has found a home in the Buddha corner of our yard and is thriving after nearly dying from our climate. When GG was driving our girl to the East coast this summer, I took care of the house and yard and stuff and whined mightily. Doing that on top of work and school was a lot, and some days I felt like there weren't enough hours to handle everything well. Anyway, the grass needed mowing, and GG decided to handle that task before dinner Sunday night. I was inside studying (I know, I am so boring right now - finals are a killer), and suddenly he burst in the back door with a red face, and FURIOUS!  He's a mellow guy, so this behavior is startling, to say the least. Apparently we have a hornet's nest in a wall next to the grass. And one of those stinging insects attacked GG. He said he felt a sudden searing burn on his leg, ...

I recently had a conversation with someone who found out I have a blog, and who decided I needed advice on how to market and monetize it. As well-intended as their opinion was, I smiled and politely declined to 'sit down over lunch and map it all out.' In fact I had to suppress the urge to smack them, which caused me to ponder about my nearly violent reaction. Here's what I came up with: This is my escape from all the hype and marketing and spin, and, God forbid, 'monetizing.' Not only does the idea of promoting Desert Magnolia beyond my close group of friends/fellow bloggers make me nauseous, I really don't think it's geared toward a general audience. I expound on shit even I don't understand using hindsight as a lens, and wouldn't subject the rest of the free world to my mental aerobics. They've done nothing to deserve that. You, however, are here because you either like to be, or because you lost a bet and were forced to come here, or...

Today the scientific community announced that, and I shit you not, MICE CAN COUGH!! Immediately my strange little brain went to the mouse meeting following said announcement: Fellow mice, we've been outed. Our ability to actually fully cough, vs just utter gentle throat clearing sounds, has been discovered by those ridiculously curious humans who will stop at nothing, nothing mind you, to reveal the secrets of our treasured species. From this day onward, all mice soldiers will be issued lozenges lest they feel the slightest tickle in their throats. You will immediately pop a lozenge and relieve the tickle before you commence with operations. Just let your fellow soldiers know what's up by pointing at your throat then making the universal sign for 'shhhhh'..... All civilians will also receive prophylactic lozenges, to be taken in any situation where a cough is imminent, and humans are present.  Please attend your next neighborhood watch meeting, where ample supp...

Or, and much more eloquently stated: “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.” –Buddha Recently I've begun to trust my inner voice, my intuition, my instincts..whatever you want to call that gentle guide that is so often, if you're me, hushed by the 'logical' side of our mind. Logic is overrated. I mean, it comes in handy for legal arguments (sometimes), and for justifying certain purchases that mean you spend to save, and that kind of thing, but mostly, it's overrated. The most insightful, creative, and yes, HAPPY people I know refuse to rely solely upon logic to make life's decisions. Instead they embrace that they know a lot, and they trust in that knowledge. Can I say that having reached the mid-century point, I  have accumulated experience that reaches across all aspects of life. Relationships. Work. School. Parenting. Writing. Loving. Diplomacy. Bullshi...

Right here is where I need to be, I suppose, but I have to say, I'm having a hard time being right where I am most given moments. It's like when I'm at school I'm worried about work. And when I'm at work I'm worried about studying. And in both places I'm hoping I'm managing to be a decent spouse, mother, and friend. Most days, I'm just not sure anymore, though I'm trying my best. I worry that my execution isn't as smooth, anywhere, as it should be. I feel like I'm much more than I've ever been, but less defined than I'm accustomed to being. It's like giving birth to oneself, but being both the mother and the child. It's not scary, just odd, and like a metamorphosis is taking place, the end result of which contains enough of the unknown to be a little intimidating, but the momentum I've created is carrying me now and really all I'm doing is just going with it. At one point during childbirth with my son, the d...

Mind, Body, Green is one of my favorite websites. It's spiritual and positive and you can find all kinds of articles that resonate at that moment in time and it just resonates for me. They have one entitled: 30 Things To Do Before You Die , and I realize that I have a whole lot of stuff to work on, in fact I will never ever be bored if I choose to focus on these. And I might end up feeling a whole lot better to boot. You know that phrase, 'leave the past in the past'?  On this list it's Let go of your past. Easier said than done, yes? When I consider how much time in my life I've spent reacting to new people, relationships, opportunities based on my prior experiences, it blows me away. And it's seldom fair to the new person or relationship or opportunity that's in front of me. Ekhart Tolle believes that it is possible to absolutely positively let go of the past, to release it by being 100% present as much of the time as you can. When I first re...

The other night hubby and I were enjoying a late night glass of wine on the patio. It was cool, it was lovely, it was the first time all day it had been possible to go outside without breaking into a sweat within 5 seconds. When my husband went back inside to get the wine bottle, I saw a small creature in my peripheral vision, and of course I jumped up and then crouched to look beneath the chair it had skittered under. Which is when GG came back outside, and when he asked what I was doing. I told him I'd seen a mouse. He immediately straightened up, threw his shoulders back and said, 'I'll get the traps.' Gulp. And he did. Which he baited with peanut butter, then distributed around our yard. As he was doing this, I felt a terrible weight descend upon my shoulders. I'd outed a mouse, and not only that one, but its entire family was in danger because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. To date the traps have netted 3 mice. I sincerely hope the rest of t...

Emergency chime from Hell? Resolved. New tires mounted on big red truck? Check. Awe for my husband's tenacity and ingenuity pursuing both ends? Immeasurable.

A lot of my recent posts have focused on vehicles, something I have historically taken for granted. Not anymore. Today I'm in Olive, our aged olive green Nissan Altima who proudly bears scars of a poorly sealed paintjob prior to our ownership that has resulted in a 100% oxidized olive metallic finish now which more closely resembles ...dusty bronze than a shimmery green olive anymore. And whose odometer shows 148689 miles as of today's date. But she's been rode hard, our Olive. She currently smells musty, making me think wet things were left inside her while she was sitting in the sun. A towel perhaps? A spilled water bottle that soaked the carpet? Golf socks left under the seat for the weekend? Or, perhaps, and more likely, a combination thereof. Her leather seats are now split in places, and have been haphazardly covered with AutoZone's own seatcovers du jour...which are flimsy and have pulled up, elastic blown long ago. One lies abandoned in the back seat,...

This would be a bitch day. This would be a day without good sleep due to worrying about the future, and just who all is going to be let down by me as I pursue my education. So far the tally is astonishing, and really, just really, I wish I could view this differently. I wish I could view this amazing new path I'm on as an opportunity of a lifetime, for me, and NOT as the current largest stressor in my life. The path isn't the stressor. The stressor is knowing that though the decision to pursue Oriental Medicine was one we discussed before I jumped, the real jumping? Didn't happen at the beginning. The real jumping happens when I start to work less and do school more and really focus my efforts so I can get out of the program before the school crumbles the mandated deadline. It's already getting dicey, and I'm not sure I can withstand the blowback when real change happens. Seriously.

My son, who has spent the summer in NY working and planning with his team for next year in Abu Dhabi, is busy. He is busy because he's shouldering increasing amounts of responsibility, and is stepping up and managing it well. This has earned him two promotions in as many years, and bodes well for his future at NYU. He is buried because his former boss, who no longer works for NYU, has left a steaming pile of bureaucratic crap to clean up, and my son is the designee for said cleanup. Which speaks to his dedication and focus on the well being of the organization for which he has chosen to work. But which totally sucks when you're his Mom, and you were hoping to spend a few hours over a few days sharing time, laughs, meals, and catching up again. Cuz that's not happening now, at least until the holidays.

We have a big red truck. It's cranberry red, is a pickup, and is my way around now that my car and my daughter have departed for Rhode Island. Said pickup has 30K miles on it, is lovely to drive, and I'm finally getting used to its very long wheel base and the whole parking thing..well, mostly, anyway. Pickup also has a lovely 6 CD tray in which I've placed my current fav CDs,  and having chosen Random selection, I'm treated with a nonstop variety of music to soothe me along my daily commutes. The truck is comfy, and roomy, and has an awesome A/C, so I'm able to maintain a healthy body temperature while navigating the high desert in the summer months. But, for some reason that will be addressed ASAP when my spouse returns from his cross country trek with our daughter, the emergency brake is finicky finicky. Let me define 'finicky'. It doesn't fully release all of the time, or at least the truck doesn't think it releases. I see the pedal ...

Timeline: 1:30 a.m. this morning, Albuquerque, New Mexico. Rain! Thunder! Lightning! And that fresher than fresh smell that accompanies the rain..that sweet, lovely, moist air, mmmmmm. Confession? I dreamed through it all. All of it. I woke up to puddles on the patio, droplets dripping from the roof, sparking moisture on the plants...but I somehow managed to snooze while all of this miraculous moisture was falling. And the lightning was flashing. And the thunder was booming. Someone is grateful, but a little bit sad that she missed it. But also, really? I can't remember the last time I slept so hard I managed to ignore the heavens opening up. The daily yoga must be working. Happy 4th, friends! -Stevie

Saturday morning, around 5:30 a.m., my daughter, my husband, my car, two suitcases full of 'have to' clothes, and sundry appliances that our college Senior wanted/needed for her apartment drove off into the sunrise. As the taillights winked out in the distance, I felt that tightness in my chest, the oh so familiar searing pain caused by the departure of one of my offspring, and a heaviness that persisted in spite of multiple yoga sessions, miles on the trail, and meditation by the fountain out back over the course of the weekend. But this time the searing pain didn't turn into the fetal position crying jag that it has in the past, a jag that paralyzes me for an hour or so, then subdues me for the remainder of the day,  and reminds me of how absolutely powerful the bonds of motherhood are, and how blessed I am to feel these ties with my progeny. Either I am growing used to these separations, or the other shoe hasn't dropped yet due to the noise of studying for midte...

As you all know, I am pursuing Oriental Medicine. It's quite a journey, and one that I've decided to chronicle on a dedicated blog. Those of you who read Desert Magnolia, please keep on doing so. If you're interested in learning more about the whole becoming a practitioner of Oriental Medicine, the ups, the downs, the intricacies, etc., please visit Lotus Elementals.blogspot.com. My first post: Future Dawning Thanks so much! Stevie

Timeline 5:30 a.m. Saturday. Destination: Southwest Acupuncture College, Santa Fe, NM Objective: NCAOM Clean Needle Techniques Exam (First national level exam in the program, and required to treat in clinic, sit for national boards, sit for state boards. A MUST pass, IOW.) Climate: Stressful, with more than a little self doubt and what the hell thrown in for good measure Outcome: Pass . Timeline: 2:45 p.m. Saturday Destination: Home Objective: Nap Climate: Exhausted but exhultant Outcome: 2.5 hour snooze that made me feel almost human again.

For me, suddenly not doing something I've been doing religiously can be the best way to appreciate how well that thing I had been doing, but am currently not doing for whatever reason, has been working. Case in point? The Primal/Paleo diet. In recent weeks I've been busy, stressed, lazy, hungry, cranky, stressed, and feeling like I'm barely hanging on by a thread most days. I've begun to look at that trend of mostly negative stuff to identify factors I can control, because seriously, who wants to be a cranky butt so much of the time? In all fairness to my life, I have complicated it beyond reason, so any deviation from a solid routine can throw things off in a hurry. Lately, there have been several things that have qualified - daughter's surgery; hubby's backpacking trip; school deadlines; and natural hormone fluctuation that has begun to intensify, and which may require much more focus to manage in the months to come. So the stuff that has arrived, unp...

There comes a time in a student's life when they become an intern. A for real, going to be hands on with patients every day kind of intern. I become one of those in the Fall. And I have to say, I'm feeling mixed emotions. On one hand I cannot wait to apply what I'm learning to address patient needs. On the other I'm wondering how on earth I could possibly be ready for such tasks. On another I'm thinking that between this term and next, not only will I be taking a 'break clinic', where I'll be treating every day for a solid week under a supervisor, I'll be reviewing all of my diagnosis texts that accompanied a very cool but very academic class that I took last summer, the majority of which had no context because I'd not taken the other foundational classes to make it make sense. If that makes sense... Anyway, I'm excited but nervous but realize that this moment, when academia becomes practical medicine, represents the biggest, brigh...

So the whole car thing? Where Daughter is taking the olive green car that we got tuned up and ready for the trip? Has changed a little. New scenario involves the olive green car staying here. And my car going to Providence. And me driving the cranberry red pickup. And hubby driving the olive green car which works fine around town, but isn't the greatest choice for a cross country jaunt followed by a winter in New England followed by another cross country jaunt. I knew this. Hubby just took longer to accept it. So there you have it. The really funny part? Is hubby thinks we can loan the girl my car for a year and expect her to actually return it after she graduates from college. He actually made a point of letting our girl know that we'll need it back when she's done with school. Really?

My oh my what a week it's turned out to be! First there was the not holiday, Memorial Day, which felt more like a prelude to a complicated dance. Then there was Daughter's wisdom teeth. Then there was the negative reaction to Vicodin, which involved a blackout in the kitchen. Then there was the new pain med prescription that we decided would be good to have on hand but not use as long as the ibuprofen was doing enough..which, so far, it has. Then there was a quiz today, which, thankfully, I managed to do fine on. Go figure. (Ok, three serious hours of focused study last night while my girl was snoozing in the recliner might have helped.) Then there was work, or IS work, since I'm still here but actually contemplating heading out before clinic to check on the girl one more time, though the last time I checked on her she was having a very nice time being entertained by her cousins and my motherinlaw..... I tweaked out yesterday. Fortunately the loving kindness ...

The good news? Attitudes change with the sweep of the hour hand on the clock, most days. Which is a blessing since the one I managed to get into yesterday was intense and I don't care to repeat that on a regular basis if I can help it. Anyway, here we are, and thanks to a combination of things, I'm in a much less dark place today and am told I look 'happy and fresh'...The funny thing is I have no idea how I looked yesterday, probably because most people instinctively avoided me...ahem. Reasons I think I'm in a better place today: 1. Daughter is home, and we had a lovely evening. We sat out in our backyard and enjoyed a lovely early evening and chatted about what had happened since we last relaxed together. Then we made a delicious dinner of grilled shrimp, wild rice, kale salad (fresh kale from the garden), and a chilly chardonnay. Mmmm. And then we watched Promised Land, which was good. I told JL earlier I'd give it a 6..for overall story/acting/chemistr...

Or the lack thereof, actually. Case in point? Facebook. As the Marketing Director for a high tech firm, my boss made me create a Facebook account for myself years ago. Which I did, because I get it. And then business pages became the norm, so we created pages for all of our brands, which is fine. And part of marketing in the modern era. I get that too. But this isn't about promoting your business in places your audience is likely to see you, this is about the personal stuff. This is about endless posts supporting or bashing a political party. Yes, I'm a Democrat. I also support Planned Parenthood - actively and loudly for being the incredibly supportive organization that they are. I don't believe guns are good for most people to own, and I believe our health care system was in crisis long before Obamacare. It's taken a long series of stupendously bad decisions to create the pickle barrel we're all in at the moment. (Which may explain my pursuit of a health ...

Have you ever had a getaway that, the more you looked back on it, the better it became? The ones that fall into that category are rare and precious and buoy the spirit for years to come, I've found. Our big birthday trip to Seattle falls into that category. Every time I share memories with someone, I realize just how amazing it all was. It felt..fast, but we relaxed. It felt comprehensive in many ways, but we took our time. It felt langorous, yet we did and saw a lot. Magic, yes? I think so. Mostly I think these magical moments are about the people involved, and how they flow together and enjoy time and generally just relax into each others' company and simply enjoy whatever happens. In this case, JL knew when we wanted to head out and explore, and when relaxing and just 'being' were the ticket. And as a tour guide, well...she cares about and sees life very similarly to us, so naturally the stuff she showed us, we totally enjoyed. Apparently we all roll the s...

Daughter has decided she really really needs/wants a car to drive her Senior year of college. Our first response to that was to ask around and see if anyone there might be selling a used car that she could pick up for a reasonable amount that would do the trick. She did, and nobody is. Well, one person was, but it's a long story involving a car belonging to a friend that used to belong to that friend's Mom, now deceased (the Mom, not the friend), and them asking way too much for it. So it really doesn't count anyway. And also, there were were vibes around that car that I think are best to avoid entirely. Trust me on this. Weeks pass, and the car thing keeps coming up in conversations, so we go to the next place, which is should WE buy a new car (that we can't afford right now and with my going to school more and working less certainly won't be any better positioned to afford a year from now) and give her mine? Then we dismiss that because it's just a bad id...

I love movies. If you've read this blog very long you know that you'll occasionally be faced with my brand of review, which is non-traditional and based on true reaction. As it should be, right? Anyway, we've seen some really good movies lately, most notably Searching for Sugarman and Silver Linings Playbook. Searching for Sugarman is wonderful! It's...inspiring, and makes me want to be a less materialistic, more socially conscious person. In a non-preachy way. Rodriguez, the subject of this film, manages to live two lives, in effect - that of the inspired '70's musician, and that of the hard laborer supporting his family in the absence of commercial success. He manages, in spite of the life he lives (in Detroit, no less), to raise his daughters with an enormous emphasis on culture and focus on the need for spirituality. He is a gentle man, a cultured man, and he raises his family in that light. It's amazing, the soundtrack is great, and the story is ...

I think it's fundamentally unfair that time can accelerate or decelerate at will. It's not a skill we humans can wrangle, but we're caught in the flow and it can be nausea inducing at times. Or just annoying, like it is right now. Being on break between terms in a program that has decided trimesters are the be all end all? Is like coming up for just enough air after a dive to fill your lungs once before you're pushed waaaay down into the depths again. I almost feel like I can't relax, because just when I remember what it feels like to NOT be behind, to NOT have to study, to NOT owe someone something in terms of brilliance or memorizing or constant deliverables...it'll be time to shine and regurgitate facts and deliver. Again. As I write this, I'm reminded of PTSD stories and don't want to spend too much time considering whether the program I've undertaken is traumatizing me in some deep and dark way, and that I will emerge somehow..different, ...

This has been a month chock full of mind-numbing events. First there was the whole turning 50 thing, which, in retrospect, wasn't that big of a deal at all. And we're still celebrating, really...with our Seattle trip this coming weekend. Woot! And I've taken down all of the 'you know you're old when...' posters that my husband thought were hil.arious....and the black balloons are (finally) deflating..sheesh. Then there has been school stuff. Which is over as of today for about two weeks. Finals week..that's what this has been. And what a week it's been. OMG. I actually felt brains leaking out of my ears on Sunday night...and then again last night...and now I have a weird feeling of lightness and a little like I've been on a gnarly roller coaster ride with one too many big loops. But now it's time to look forward. To Seattle. To downtime. To celebrating with hubby and JL and just 'being'...in the glory that is the Pacific Northwest ...

Today is my last day of my 40's. My very last day to be 'approaching 50'. The very last time I'll ever be able to say, 'When I begin the next half-century of my life, I'll...' I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything productive. I guess I just don't want to wake up tomorrow morning and go, 'Shit! I should have....yesterday!!!' You know what I mean?

I have a confession to make. In less than the time it takes to say 'Who's having a midlife???', I appear to be in the throes of a humdinger. A humdinger. Let me explain. First, Google caught me looking at Jimmy Choos, and now every time I go out to do a news surf,  pop ups for Jimmy Choos appear and lure tempt seduce me into looking.  Every time. And, well, I got to drive a Mustang yesterday. And that may have been a verrrrry bad thing. Said Mustang? Reignited my lust for cars that purr under your butt and respond nicely when you accelerate and feel HOT to drive and just make you go, "I am driving a classic, performance machine and ILOVEITVERYMUCHTHANKYOUVERYMUCH!" For the record, my car history for the last two decades looks like this: 1984 Honda Accord hatchback. Red. 5 speed manual transmission. My very first car ever that I picked out, then bought and paid for and owned for 15 years. Loved it. Husband ended up driving it after we hatched two c...

Without real warning, without fanfare, and without a really good reason, 50 is barrelling down on me like a freight train. Scheduled to arrive next week. On Thursday. Which is kind of cool, since I was born on a Thursday. There will be celebration. Dinner out at a favorite restaurant. Dinner cooked by hubby the next night. And some introspection, I'm thinking...between celebrations and over the weekend to follow. I think...I'm happy. I'm definitely engaged with life, with current events, and am now creating a new career, new future, so that state should hold indefinitely. I'm happy in love. I'm fulfilled as a Mom. I have an amazing group of friends that..sustain me, and for whom I am eternally grateful. But motherofgawd it's happened fast. I mean, just yesterday...I was giving birth to my son, who turns 25 6 days after I turn 50. Just yesterday! And immediately following that, ok, 4 years later..my daughter was born. And everything from then to 3 ...

I spent a significant amount of the last 20+ years driving people around. Kids to events, practices, meets, etc., and often this driving turned into trips, or very very long driving stints to out-of-town tournaments and cross country meets. Granted, some of the best conversations I had with my kids, during their teen years in particular, I had in the car on the way to somewhere. When baby girl got her drivers license, this all changed. Which was good! I worried about her being out there and I worried about other dumb drivers and I worried about her propensity for texting and I worried a lot. But I wasn't driving when I was worrying. Fast forward 2.5 years. After a relatively quiescent period for schlepping, and much smaller gasoline tabs, to boot, I find myself on ground support duty for my husband and his buddies. Who hike every Saturday. Every Saturday. Usually I'm on pickup, so when they pop out onto a trailhead after a hard day's hiking I'm there...and all ...

What box, you ask? Why the one in which we tend to reside until we're forced to move out of it. It's comfy and warm and familiar in there, and we believe that nothing bad can happen to us while we're safely ensconced in its comfort. We're delusional, but that's another conversation entirely. Anyway, the other day as I was hitting one of my 'absolutely nothing is getting into this brain until I go for a run' phases and decided to take a study break, I realized something. If we're comfortable, we're generally not growing. In any way. If we're shielded from life, we're never forced to participate and resolve issues that arise continually in the presence of others. Case in point. Two fellow students, both considerably younger than me (like in their mid twenties), observed in class the other day. They were talking about how anyone who is serious goes to school and only school, and does nothing but 'immerse' in the experience of ...

Now that I think about it, I should have labeled this post, The Clog Before the Flow, or something existential like that. Let me explain. During the course of my training, to date, I've noticed some interesting things about myself. Like, I am learning to allow myself to be part of a much bigger effort, which will result in me being a practitioner of Oriental Medicine at some future point. I've never really been a part of something like this- it's strange and intense and interesting and hard and changes every single student in fundamental ways, I'm told. Like, my perfectionism (under relative control compared to a decade ago, I have to say), while a positive considering medicine is full of details and nobody wants to be imperfect...can cause problems. The sheer volume of information that's being shoved into my brain, and the short time period in which this is happening (ie every semester...tons and tons and tons of new stuff), makes perfectionism an impossib...

I've noticed, of late, that there seems to be a direct correlation between the intensity of work and school, and my propensity for daydreaming. My mind may need a break...I'm thinking. Things I daydream about are random, but included on the list.... Fantasies of laying on the beach. Surf pounding white sand. Sun beating down on my body. Sea birds engaging in sea bird conversations that go on for days. Images of floating...in a cool pool, on a hot day. Weightlessness. Buoyancy. Silence. Daydreams of lazy baking...intricate desserts requiring many steps and much time to prepare. With love. And butter. And chocolate or maybe cream. Presented with pride and more love. Dancing. Slow, sensual dancing. For hours. On a wooden dance floor outdoors somewhere..somewhere warm, where jasmine wafts on a soft, cool, late night breeze. Reading. For pleasure. Beginning at the top of the stack next to my bed and not finishing until I'm finished, then foraying to the library fo...

Have you ever had an epiphany during which you connect ideas that, honestly, probably shouldn't be connected? Ever? This happened to me this morning during a conversation with my friend E. We were talking about cats, their behavior, etc., in fact she opened the conversation by asking me if I knew that some cats have allergies...because apparently hers does. For the record, I hadn't given this much thought, prior. Our cat occasionally sneezes, but I assume that's due to my less than exemplary performance as a housekeeper. Ahem. We also had a cat when I was growing up that sucked all the fur off the first 2" of his tail, but that was attributed to neuroses, not allergies, if I recall. Anyway, we went on to discuss more about felines...and we noted how cool it is that when a cat gets what they want, either a nice warm lap, a head scratch, dinner, treats, etc., it's done with you. Just walks away. Literally. And somehow we're ok with that. Which is odd sin...

In less than two months I'm turning 50. The big five-oh. Half a century. And just a few weeks after that, so is GG. We've tossed around a lot of ideas for how best to celebrate this rather momentous event. We knew we wanted to get away for a few days. We knew we didn't really want to do the whole party thing. Black balloons, bad cards and terrible jokes about impending death are fun, but we wanted to keep it a little personal this time. First we thought we'd go South, maybe back to Cancun for a few days of R&R, Paamul style. Then we thought we'd head up to Pagosa Springs to enjoy a weekend soaking in hot, steamy pools in the mountain air. But over the weeks we both knew we hadn't yet hit on exactly what we wanted to do. But then we both came to the same conclusion at exactly the same moment - Seattle! Why Seattle? I want to share this event, as it turns out, and my dear friend JL just happens to live there. :-)  When this song came out, the ye...

For no specific reason I awoke a little cranky today. Contributing factors may have included: Tipper Ann insisting on perching on my hip while I was curled up in a fetal position. That doesn't work well for several reasons, including that she is heavy, and that she keeps readjusting so that she doesn't fall off. So nobody really gets any sleep; GG watching a movie late last night, thinking the sound was down low but really it wasn't and I wasn't in the mood to get up and ask him nicely to turn it down a little so that those of us who had to get up and work today could sleep. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have come off as nice or supportive at that point, so I opted to just not go there; GG coming into bed around midnight after his movie was over and waking me out of a sound sleep. And waking up Tipper Ann, who, after getting up for a snack, decided that then would be a perfect time to give herself a (loud) tongue bath which took forever if you were me; G...