Desert Magnolia

Holy shit, I'm about to complete two full sets of thirty, and to begin my third. My son provided the sets of thirty idea, and I like it. It also kind of made me gag a little to think of it that way, my life, broken into not decades, now, but sets of three decades. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little intimidated by the idea of not only completing my 50's but entering my 60's. I want to do it with a bang, not a whimper, and I want to power into the whole next era with a bit of aplomb, some grace, a bit of sass, and a fair amount of deepseated optimism about what's ahead. April 4, 1963. It was a Thursday. 7:30 a.m. And there I came after what my mom says was a fairly short though predictably intense labor. My mom, a progressive, used hypnotherapy to manage her labor and deliver me. 7 lb. 8 oz. of baby girl. I was not a good napper, apparently, though Mom could have used more breaks from my energy, which I'm told was considerable. I was 100% on, or dead to the worl...

Son had borrowed it. Turns out he's not great about bringing things back - he's used to being on his own and coming and going and not having to think about things like a mug being someone else's. And a favorite at that. His departure left an energy vacuum that is slowly being filled with daily life. We are planting the succulents leftover from the botanical themed wedding. We are doing laundry, replacing light bulbs (an unprecedented number of them bit the dust over the wedding weekend, for some reason), returning borrowed coolers and fans and sundry other items necessary to stage an event the magnitude of ours. As the days go by I feel some clarity returning, some base energy filling the vast abyss following the wedding. I wasn't sure how to prepare for that, and still don't know how. I guess you experience it, then recover, as we are doing. We are enjoying pictures that are now circulating, taken during the festivities. Daughter and New Husband are ba...

The Big Event happened. Three days ago, after much anticipation, countless checklists, a multitude of fine adjustments...my baby girl got married. We cooked, we served, we mingled, we primped and prepared, we embraced the whirlwind of activity surrounding the Day. There was hair doing, makeup applying, dress steaming, adjusting, perfuming, perfecting. Along the way were moments...of extreme awareness, high emotion, gratitude, joy...the Day was intense. And something I am reliving in the days beyond. It was perfect. All of it. The weather, which had threatened to disrupt things right around ceremony time, calmed. Threatening clouds uttered final thunder rumbles, then softly dissipated over the mountain, almost like an invisible force field/protective bubble was around the venue. The clouds made it cooler than it could have been/should have been, and for that we were grateful. The lighting was perfect..magical, in many ways, and allowed for some gorgeous photos to be taken...

My fatherinlaw recently passed away after a long battle with COPD.  He leaves behind three children, only one of whom spoke with him at the time of his death. That child, as it turns out, is my husband. My husband is a middle child - literally and in every possible figurative sense of the word. He has spent his entire life making peace (or attempting to craft lasting detante's in a family full of angst, stubbornness and general dysfunction, like most).  Upon his father's passing he was once again placed in this most tenuous of positions - that between forces, this time forces fueled by grief. These forces were comprised of his mother, the ex wife, and the widow, aka the Step Mom. Grief, as it turns out, brings out the very worst, the very best, and the absolutely weirdest shit imaginable in people. In the last month, memories long buried have percolated from the dark depths into the light of day. The hurts, the petty jealousies, the passions, the memories of disappointm...

When I graduated from Oriental Medical school I had some preconceptions about what my life would be like as a practitioner. I envisioned a hectic but rewarding practice, the daily rigors of balancing the art of medicine with the business of business, and a sense of constant growth and development as both a physician and a human. Those preconceptions were spot on, but with a stutterstep in between graduating and practice that was comprised of endless board exams study/completion, continual self-doubt during the board gauntlet (was I really cut out for this? could I really get through all of the silly exams without doing permanent brain damage? would I ever be able to pay back the ginormous loans I'd amassed during school? etc.), then, finally, licensing. After which realities present that require contemplation and action (or nonaction if you prefer.)  Where to practice? How to make a living while a practice grows? To accept insurance? Deciding to practice with former school col...

"Mom, there's something special about him. He's kind, he's romantic, he's so smart. I think I'm falling for him," she said. He is all of these things and more, and over time my sweet baby girl and her love have explored life together, have move in, have tackled daily logistics and worked together to help develop each other as individuals. He comes from a lovely family from the East coast, a family with which we have grown close over the last few years. They're funny, they're intense, they're Italian, they're foodies, they're very family oriented. And, because of yesterday's events, they will be joined with ours as our offspring unite in marriage. Our baby girl is engaged. And we couldn't be happier. The look on her face as we Facetimed last night was incredible. She was overwhelmed. She was joyous. She was filled with joy and hope and love. And her new fiancee was grinning like a loon, happy that the elaborate schem...

Albert Einstein's definition of insanity - repeating the same action and expecting a completely different outcome - seems to be the theme for the holidays this year. Thanksgiving turned out to be ok - which was good. The energy vamp chose to surf the 'Net after dinner, simply avoiding all contact with us, so that meant the rest of us chatted and enjoyed dessert and relaxed a little. At one point during the evening I looked around at the faces, all familiar, all part of a complex family drama and personal evolution, devolution, growth and aging.  The young ones are growing up, and will be moved away in a few years. The older ones are getting even older, and mark their days by managing chronic pain and choosing how to focus their resources, which are less than they were even a year ago. And every one of us gathers to celebrate each holiday, to reconnect on whatever level works at that moment, and hopes for some significant easing of tension and angst and underlying dysfuncti...

This year, hubby and I contemplated getting away for Thanksgiving. We entertained the thought of staying in Santa Fe, enjoying a lovely meal out, walking around the plaza, and mostly NOT dealing with the family political dynamic that has plagued recent (ok, at least the last 10 if not more) Turkey Day celebrations. The fact that our kids will not be home adds to the feeling of liberation - there is no tradition to uphold if they aren't here, right? In fact, daughter and her boyfriend will be in Italy this year. Italy. Touring, eating the most amazing foods and drinking Italian wine. They're even taking a cooking class in Tuscany while they're there. They'll be having an incredible, romantic time, and doing what you should do - which is enjoying the event. Son is too far away to come home for Thanksgiving, but will be home for Christmas, which warms my mama heart to its very core. He will be celebrating with friends in Abu Dhabi, and will most likely host - he is the ch...

The last week has been incredible. Daughter and her BF were home, and we got to spend time cooking and catching up and laughing and just being in the same space for a few days. It was fabulous. I am ...feeling full of Mama love, of commitment for my big goal, of belief in the future, overall. But the present, the present is awesome, too. Last night, very late, we put sweet girl and her BF on a plane for NYC. And now they are back to their lives in that very busy place, finding their way and defining their next steps as they do so. Today I regroup, connect with some clients, have lunch with the Granny Brigade, then dive into books. First final exam is tomorrow. Huge quiz follows, the next day. Next week, four big finals..big, hard, ugly, dense, finals. Am I ready yet? Nope. Will I be ready when the time comes? I'll do my best. Happy Spring! Stevie

It's the morning after. Not of a steamy love connection (unfortunately), but the morning after two weeks of intensity the likes of which I hope not to experience again any time soon. Let me explain. I already talked about finals, and wow, after my 9th round of them (yep, I've done this 9 times now!, only 6 to go....) I'm as used to them as I'm going to get. In other words, they're crazy hard and there's a ton of pressure to do well, as we would expect. Part of the trick, I think, is knowing what's coming...again and again and again....sometimes that can be harder than walking into something blind, don't you think? So there were finals, and now they are done. Because life wasn't already full/intense/stressful enough, a hot water pipe decided to burst under our living room. Which is, of course, on a concrete slab. Which needed to be, yes...jackhammered up. Again. (This happened once before, a mere 6 days before daughter's 18th birthday, ...

My mom has been visiting. As I mentioned before, she hasn't been here for a long time, so things felt awkward, and in many ways I realize I don't know her anymore. Conversations started out a little stilted, and there was a lot of qualifying and backfilling of information and such. There are many gaps in the information continuum, and we had to make sure the stories made sense. During her visit I realized that she is, and always will be, a very gifted artist. She is just one of those people who would rather be engrossed in a complex project (she does amazing reverse applique using silks and wonderful wild fabrics and she has a fabulous eye and creates works of, yes...art...with ease). Living with an artist isn't easy when you're growing up. She loved me deeply, but her compulsion to do her art was that - a compulsion - and if she didn't get enough time, a lot of time, to create, she'd go a little crazy and feel very much like a rat in a maze instead of a ...

Last weekend our baby girl graduated from college. She walked. She crossed the stage, gripped the hand of the President of the University, smiled, grabbed her diploma, and stepped down. Then she walked back to her seat, past us, where her very proud Daddy shot numerous pictures of her smiling face. During the 2.5 hour ceremony images from her childhood streamed through my thoughts like a precious chronology of her life to date. Her absolutely disarming smile. Her baby coos, and belly laughs. Her first steps, then words..so many words as they tumbled from her tiny mouth. Her love for her brother, and his care for her. He protected her fiercely from harm, but always did his best to conceal his efforts lest she actually know how much he loved her. Her soccer, her passion, her thoughts on ever more complex life issues. Her love for touch, for hugs, for head tickles and snuggling. Her passion for competition. Her academic development. Her deep compassion and natural nurturing instincts...

Another term has begun, bringing with it the normal chaos. There are more/different books to order, supplies to obtain, glitches to address/resolve, and the need to organize like crazy to ensure all goes smoothly and nothing drops. Nothing. Challenges this term include wrangling my most intense class load yet - 18 hrs. - and managing to consult enough to put food on the table. Expected high points include flying to RI next week to attend my girl's college graduation and generally enjoy a weekend AWAY from this one horse town in which I find myself for increasingly long stretches of time due to school and limited finances. A girl who's in grad school and working as much as possible but earning a bare minimum doesn't just fly away for week long getaways anymore. I think that luxury will remain elusive until such point, after graduation, as I've managed to pass my boards, get a license to practice, and have built a practice to the point of making a living. I don...

This week marks one of two between terms. I plan to work as much as possible, relax a bit, regroup a lot, and generally catch my breath after the maelstrom of the last semester. I am coming off the emotional high of having my daughter home for a few days - she decided to surprise us and spent Easter weekend here. It was a birthday gift to her dad and me, and we are both absolutely delighted she decided to make the trek.  We watched movies, we hung out and said a lot and sometimes absolutely nothing, we ate wonderful meals and basically basked in being together again. She left very early this morning, and is almost home. She is, by now, on a train between Boston and Providence, and will be back in her apartment before the sun sets. She faces the final weeks of her college career, interviews with potential employers, final exams, and of course the nonstop celebration that Seniors enjoy as they face a very scary future - the unknown - and leave the relative safety of college life...

Whenever I get into a weird emotional space I step back and count my blessings, of which there are a multitude. My daughter is about to graduate from a really good college, and it appears her prospects are growing. My son is gainfully employed by the university from which he graduated, in an international location, and besides being busier than he'd like most days, he's thriving, gaining valuable skills and is afforded opportunities most people twice his age haven't enjoyed. I know this, because I am twice his age. :) My husband is healthy and sassy and appears to adore me even after 26 years in the trenches with me. For this I am eternally grateful. I am on a path of my own creation, one on which I am immersed in the study of a 5000 year old medicine and am stretching my intellectual self to, and beyond, limits most days. My marketing consulting work is going well, though I would like to have a few more clients so that when the ebbs happen, which they do, they w...

The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love. Henry Miller On this day dedicated to the celebration of love, I find myself pondering the meaning of that ethereal, sometimes surreal phenomenon that sustains and enriches and forces us to delve deeper into ourselves than we'd ever thought possible. What is love, exactly? It is what allows us to connect, to resonate with another, to find respite from the universe's seemingly endless onslaught. It is what makes us want to be better, to be stronger, more present, more available for another. It is what grows within us and blossoms when we least expect it, what evolves from fresh green sprout-like origins and matures into strong, supple, deep-rooted vines. The aging like fine wine analogy works well here, too. The people I love, and who love me, make me believe in the absolute connection that exists between all of us and everything in our universe. Love engenders hope, ...

Our kitty hunt netted many super cute little snuggly bugs from which to choose, but in the end we chose a brother and sister from the same litter. They are nuts. They are kitty crazy. They melt my heart and made me realize just how much I missed having a feline companion around. Liza and Jarvis taking a nap Jarvis loving the butterfly toy..and Liza watching... Sunny window sills..gotta love them for a morning romp Silliness in the form of kitties is its own brand of hilarity, and we're spending quite a lot of time just relaxing and getting to know our new family members. Jarvis is funny and sweet and outgoing. He even lets us pet him, and if we insist, snuggle him up. Liza is skittish and tries to avoid contact with us, but follows us around so we know she loves us and will warm up eventually. We're using some tricks to socialize her, so hopefully we can help her relax and enjoy her devoted humans. It's good to have goofy energy in our house ...

I don't know where the year has gone, I just don't. There have been many many happenings, some good, some neutral, some shitty, but mostly everything has gone super fast. Super. Fast. Maybe it's the turning 50 thing. Maybe it's the being in school thing. Maybe it's the leaving the company I have been with since Day 2 and becoming a consultant. (Which, by the way, I think is for grownups and I really, apparently, don't view myself that way most of the time. Go figure.) Maybe it's the fact that each day is packed with more than I can possibly manage well, so there is much juggling taking place. In any case, we're here. The week before Christmas, and all through the house...we're waiting for Son to come home so we can set up the tree and decorate. Daughter got in Saturday night, which was amazing and I realized I NEVER want to go so very long EVER again without seeing that girl. EVER. Son is currently in Amsterdam blowing off some steam and...

Hard to believe the Summer is nearly gone. Hard to believe that this weekend is Labor Day, after which we'll refrain from wearing white ..shoes, pants, hats, etc. Or maybe not. As summers go, this one has been good, but mostly uneventful, which is ok. We've gotten rain for the first time in years (lots of it), which has been good. We've had fires everywhere, which is not so good. Son is back in the UAE, which is good, but means he's far away and if it's possible to miss someone more because they're further away? I do. He's working like a dog, but says he loves it, so we're happy about that. Not the dog part, the happy part. Daughter is playing soccer, and has begun her senior year of college, after which many possibilities exist, but no real plans yet there. We'll see. We just want her to have some fun, have a good season, and kick butt her final year of college. We are doing what we do. GG is settling back into the school routine again. I...

My son, who has spent the summer in NY working and planning with his team for next year in Abu Dhabi, is busy. He is busy because he's shouldering increasing amounts of responsibility, and is stepping up and managing it well. This has earned him two promotions in as many years, and bodes well for his future at NYU. He is buried because his former boss, who no longer works for NYU, has left a steaming pile of bureaucratic crap to clean up, and my son is the designee for said cleanup. Which speaks to his dedication and focus on the well being of the organization for which he has chosen to work. But which totally sucks when you're his Mom, and you were hoping to spend a few hours over a few days sharing time, laughs, meals, and catching up again. Cuz that's not happening now, at least until the holidays.