Desert Magnolia

Next week I take my final National exam. It's a doozie, Herbs, and I am studying my ass off right now. Five down, one to go. A few months ago I couldn't envision this moment, but now it's upon me. That's life, isn't it? You steam along and make your way through whatever is ahead, then all of a sudden it is behind you, you've been birthed into a new challenge. Trying to take breaks. My colleagues who have recently run this same gauntlet say breaks make all the difference. As does believing in your ability to draw on the vast well of knowledge required to successfully complete the exams. So, study study study, yoga or some workout, study study, maybe a catnap, study study study. Rinse and repeat for the next week. Then? We'll see. If I pass, I'll b e dancing. If I don't, I'll be regrouping . Hugs, Stevie the (Exhausted) Student

We had a humdinger of a hail storm a few weeks ago. Hubby and I were sitting out on the patio enjoying a glass of wine and some oysters one Saturday evening. The sky was dark and rumbly, but it was still warm enough to sit outside and enjoy the weather. After about 20 minutes or so, the rumbling got louder, then we thought we heard a freight train headed for us. But we don't have any tracks nearby, so that was odd, to say the least. The sound got louder and louder, and then the sky opened up and hail fell. Lots of it. Big ones, the size of quarters.  We fled inside and hoped our windows and roof and truck (in the driveway) were safe. After what seemed like forever the storm blew itself out, leaving a 3" thick coating of white everywhere, making it look like it had snowed, and lots of damage. In the weeks since, we've had our roof inspected, and the insurance company totaled it. We'll be getting a new roof in the coming weeks. I took our truck in to be lo...

4 letters. Big letters if you're me, and those letters are associated with how I did on the State licensing exam. I did it. I passed the test that was perhaps the single most intimidating challenge of my professional life, and for which I studied for 4 1/2 years. Solid. Hell, yes!! Big hugs, Euphoric Stevie

Over the last year and a half I have put on some weight. The daily drives to Santa Fe, the endless hours in class, the endless hours studying, the reduced exercise as a result of a compressed schedule - all added up, literally, and made me fluffier than I'd like to be. This has happened to me in the past while traveling for business, so it's not a surprise, but I am now ready to focus on leaning back down. I joined Weight Watchers again, like I have in the past. They have helped me two times so far, and as much as I hate being absolutely aware of watching and logging everything that goes into my piehole, I need to bite the bullet (0 points for bullets, yay!), and drop this extra me. Last night I familiarized myself with the newest iteration of the online Weight Watchers, and am beginning to strategize meals and snacks, moving forward. In my experience having the right foods around is key - if a healthy solution that won't blow my daily points is available I will go f...

For nearly 3 decades we have been either primarily responsible for, or very supportive of the whole Thanksgiving endeavor. Countless turkeys have been stuffed, potatoes roasted, cranberries chopped and served fresh or cooked, green beans sacrificed (sometimes stir fried gently w/garlic and butter, sometimes incorporated into the famous green bean casseroles so frequently requested, pies constructed with love, and stuffing recipes perfected in this effort. This year, we went away. We opted to loop out of the annual cookfest that usually starts several days prior, and whose dishes require multiple dishwasher cycles and many piles of handwashing to get through. We went to Ruidoso, to Inn of the Mountain Gods, and acted like the guests that we were. We headed down on Wednesday, early, and hubby played golf. I went into town and got some lunch, then a manicure while he whacked little white balls across gorgeous fairways beneath scenic mountains. We relaxed, we enjoyed several restaur...

Not to belabor a point, I am o.ver taking exams. Over studying. Over stressing. Over NOT having a life. Over second guessing myself. Over being reminded on a regular basis that no matter how much you study, sometimes you just can't remember something you knew yesterday.  Stress plays a role, I think...but so does fatigue. That's all for now. Hugs, Stevie

This Fall has been so not what I thought it was going to be as I imagined life after grad school, studying for and taking all of the exams in store, and just beginning to redefine myself while in the in between place of being a graduate but not yet a licensed practitioner. Some things that made the past few months so much different than I though they would be: Son adopted a dog right after I graduated, and that dog ended up needing shoulder surgery.  So Son and his very large puppy (we think Rhodesian Ridegeback, Lab and maybe Great Dane genes are at work there...) stayed with us much longer than expected. Almost 3 months. Picture if you will a 7 month old puppy, large, with a cone on his head and a sling on his right front leg which rendered him a tripod...and a clumsy one at that.  This part went on for two months...and things got a whole lot easier once they came off. But still...challenging it was.... Son was reinventing himself after life on the East Coast, then ...

Ekhart Tolle speaks of stillness, the importance of finding it, of cultivating it, of appreciating it, and of enjoying the amazing transformations that occur while in a still state. When I think of some of the biggest epiphanies of my life, they've all come about during meditative, still moments. Within those moments we are free to just be..to just observe and allow the essence of who we are bubble up into our consciousness.  The monkeys are quiet, there, and the incessant white noise of to do lists and constant 'shoulds' are absent. It took awhile to get to a still place. I remember my early days of meditating and actually getting frustrated because I felt, for so long, like I was skimming the quiet space, just skirting the beneficial pause that stillness offers up. I now realize the pursuit of stillness is as beneficial as the state of stillness.  By seeking stillness we create space in which stillness may reside. By pursuing a quieter mind, we learn ways to paci...

Part of comprehensive exams prep includes taking sample exams to help identify any areas where gaps in information may exist. I continue to be astonished with the sheer volume of knowledge I have welcomed into my being. I also find strange gaps in that knowledge.  Professors cover tons of subject matter each semester, with inevitable focus in places that interest them most. That's just how it works. I am beginning to see just where the interests have lain with my profs, and where the exam requirements may be much broader in some places. The good news is I am expanding my understanding of multiple topics as I work through this process.  The bad news is my personality focuses not on what I seem to know but on worrying about what I don't know (well), and as a result I am stressing myself out. Seriously, I'm bound to miss a few questions when they're served up in sets of 100 and cover ungodly breadth of knowledge. But I hate missing any at all, and I just need ...

To say a metamorphosis has occurred would be an understatement. To admit to no longer knowing where or how I fit in, exactly, would be to admit uncertainty in the face of great change and opportunity. To look around each day and realize how much I missed during my reinvention, how so many of life's little pleasures were not mine to enjoy, would be an admission of my extreme focus, albeit a focus with a cost. But all of these are true, and in the weeks since graduation I've begun to return to my self, to my life, to the ability to enjoy subtle gifts each day. Yes, I am very very focused on preparing for national exams, and yes, I study hard every day.  But I am slowly trying to rediscover my life. There is the garden in the morning. Long walks/jogs. Rainy afternoons. Cooking. Smoking (not cigarettes, meats. We bought a smoker and I am the one in charge..it's great!) There's Bernie the Wonder Granddog, my amazing son, my incredible husband, our two silly, lov...

August 14, 2016, 2:30 p.m., I graduated from Oriental Medical school. I took an oath. I hugged and was hugged by my profs, by those who handed me my diploma, who announced my name, helped me make my way across the stage. It's done, that part.  The academics. Now I study for National boards, take National boards. Rinse and repeat four times. Then take the State exam. And then, the good Lord willing and steady nerves prevailing, I will have successfully completed the gauntlet. And be a Doctor of Oriental Medicine. For re al. Huge hugs, Stevie

It's finally nearly here. The big day...graduation. And none too soon. 10 days from now I will take an oath to do no harm, to help when I can, and to always remember, the relationship we have with patients is sacred. All I can say at this point is, WOOOO HOOOO! That is all for now. Hugs, Stevie

It's finally here, the final stretch to graduation. How will that change my daily life? I will not be commuting to Santa Fe four days a week. Total time spent each week in the car, 12 hours. That number can be bigger if there is a wreck, which there, sadly, often is. I will not be worried about random points being taken off of projects for reasons defying logic. I will not be avoiding the constant drama that seems to surround the students with whom I attend Oriental Medical school.  There is insanity at the highest levels which filters down into the lives of students, who really just want to study the medicine and not be charged for every.single.little thing, at a premium. I will not be second guessing myself on a daily basis in terms of how I look at, practice and honor this medicine. (I will always want to be the very best practitioner I can, so I will hold myself to the highest standards, which involves constant review of decisions...but not second guessing.) I will...

As I age, as I continue to move through this lovely and crazy life, I realize that knowing oneself is the most challenging of all feats. We are born in ourselves, and from that point on depart from the known into everyone else's version of reality. We spend our childhoods developing simple skills, then teen years surviving our hormones, then young adult years moving through whatever awaits us after secondary school. Some of us go on to college. Some of us work, do things other people think we should do, then eventually give up on our dreams.  Some of us do that, then decide 'Fuck that', and do what we need to do anyway. Some of us bloom early. Some of us bloom later. Some of us remain buds (in the floral sense) for our entire lives. For those that manage to bloom, wowza. For those that remain buds, all is not lost. There will be a time when blooming will happen. Some of us are blessed with enormous amounts of energy that help us power through. Some of us are ...

Nobody sleeps during a full moon. During Cosmo's moon, there was sex. During harvest moons, there is, well, celebration of harvest. And during this crazy moon we've been experiencing over the last few days? Planets are aligning in ways they haven't in 70 years, nobody seems to be getting any sleep, and boy is there energy to spare in the air. It's Summer Solstice 2016, and boy it's a doozy. It's so hot, so energetic, that we've all just kind of given in and are hoping we can make it through to a calmer and cooler place, hopefully soon. I saw some clouds today above the Sangre De Cristos. I wanted to get out of my car, shimmy around and do a really happy, very provocative rain dance. Provocative to the rain, that is. I'm pretty much too damned hot and too damned stressed to get jiggy with it in a Bahamian, let's drink some rum and celebrate life like hedonists, ok? kind of way. Just sayin'. Stay cool, get jiggy if it works for y...

It has decided to be summer now, after weeks of fluctuating between cool and cooler.... The A/C is on high. I am trying to study, but really don't want to ...due to a general weightiness that has settled over me, no doubt the heat is just slowing me down for the moment. So, instead of pressing through and forcing myself to do something I don't really have the energy to do right now I am honoring my state of mind and just relaxing a little.... I have begun serious study for my BioMed exam, and reviewing the material is making me realize that I have in fact learned a great deal during my journey through this program, but more importantly is I have begun to look at things, all things, differently.  I am not sure when it began, the shift to this new view, but it has taken hold and infuses my being with an appreciation for the beauty and complexity of life, of the human body, of the human condition, of the universe in general. I have learned facts and data, I have examined ca...

This was a weekend of visiting. We hosted a dinner for visiting family from California, then attended a dinner at which a visiting Mama from Germany was the guest of honor. The weekend was mellow and the weather was lovely, and the the entire thing passed far too quickly, as they tend to do. One conversation with a friend revolved around why we do what we do, and what seems to be our tipping point from contemplating a change to actually acting on it. (This woman is remarkable, and has ascended in corporate ranks within the health care community with astonishing speed and great success, and she is familiar with striving well beyond expected levels to pursue goals.) She looked pointedly at me when this came up, and she said, 'Well, what did it for you? What process did you undergo that catalyzed a life changing series of decisions about going to grad school and reinventing yourself midlife?' I thought about it for a moment, before I responded. 'My decision to study med...

When I was a little girl I spent time with my aunts while my Mom was off doing Mom things, like finishing up college and working. During times with the Aunties, things could get weird. They too were in college and used me for a guinea pig for all kinds of silly behavior tests. My reward was usually raisins, which I loved. My youngest Aunt, during this era, had a really sweet boyfriend who then became her husband but whom she eventually divorced  because he was 'just not motivated enough when it came to the important things.'  I'm not sure what that meant, since he was an artist and became a CPA to support his art habit, but my aunt eventually divorced him, which broke all of our hearts because we loved him. He was awesome. And he was much nicer, most days, than my aunt, but let's not get into that. Also, may he rest in peace. He somehow ended up with brain cancer, and he passed a couple of years ago. The world lost a sweet and gentle spirit when he left, and I ho...

I have already shared how hard it is for me to focus in the Spring. I am a Spring baby, therefore that's the time when I feel extra alive, super energized, and very, very happy. The hyacinths, they are blooming. We have two right now - a glorious pink and a lovely purple. They both embody the essence of floral...their fragrance makes my cells sing and an enormous smile appear on my face. Focusing on mundane tasks like studying or sitting in class for hours on end...feels like a terrible waste of the gloriousness of this season. Just sayin. Hugs,  Stevie

I just created my official application with the national governing body of practitioners of Oriental Medicine. With this application I declare my intention to graduate from my school, and to begin taking the national board exams. There are 4 nationals, (Points, Foundations, BioMed, Herbs), and one state exam. Within the next few months I will be distilling down my work over the last 4.5 years, I will review my buns off, and I will test for my Doctor of Oriental Medicine certification. I may need a glass of chardonnay to process this. This is for real. Hugs, Stevie

It's nearly Spring. I know, it's only February 21st, but it feels like Spring out there. Tulips, daffodils, hyacinths and iris are pushing up through the ground. The earth smells different, like it's warming, like it's awakening, like it's about to offer up new life once more. The light is different. There is a warmth and intensity to sunbeams that warms the skin and stirs the spirit to take a deep metaphorical breath and stretch. The days are longer, and we open the windows to let the fresh air flow through the house, a space that has been mostly closed against the cold, cold days and nights of late. I am a Spring baby, which is why I have always felt particularly alive and vital and happy during this time. The birds are making interesting Spring sounds, too. Their coos and chirps have changed in tone to a happier and less resolute timbre. They know warmer days and nights await, and their song reflects joy in that awareness. May you all feel the blood in ...

A review of my recent posts of late has made me frown and contemplate where I'm really at with regard to outlook, general status, etc. My posts have had a stressed and rather dark feel to them, some of which makes sense, what with the expectations of school and such, but some of which feels a little..not how I really look at the world. I am maddeningly positive, most days, and awaken energized and ready for whatever comes my way each morning. I am blessed with good health, a loving family, much good fortune, and am pursuing a new path that is already proving to be the absolute right one for me. So my grumpy posts? Not really who I am or how I look at the world. I'm mostly a fix it kind of person.  If something is broken, I find a way to repair it. When I looked back at my Thanksgiving post, I realized I was 'observing', but with a decidedly grey filter over things. I don't want to be that. I can make choices not to be in situations, to provide alternatives to...