Desert Magnolia

Next week is finals, which means this week feels like it's going way too fast. The need to review/revisit absolutely everything that has gone into this brain all term (finals are comprehensive - all of them, so wowza) is upon me. I can tell I am getting stressed about the exams when simple distractions like, say, taking a shower or normal human functions like eating, feel like they're wasting time I should be using to study. Endlessly. I need to show up ready, strong, and focused. There are no safety nets at this point - failing anything isn't an option unless I want to be in school next Fall which I most certainly do not thank you very much. So, time to quit screwing around and study already. Right? Hugs, Stevie

Albert Einstein's definition of insanity - repeating the same action and expecting a completely different outcome - seems to be the theme for the holidays this year. Thanksgiving turned out to be ok - which was good. The energy vamp chose to surf the 'Net after dinner, simply avoiding all contact with us, so that meant the rest of us chatted and enjoyed dessert and relaxed a little. At one point during the evening I looked around at the faces, all familiar, all part of a complex family drama and personal evolution, devolution, growth and aging.  The young ones are growing up, and will be moved away in a few years. The older ones are getting even older, and mark their days by managing chronic pain and choosing how to focus their resources, which are less than they were even a year ago. And every one of us gathers to celebrate each holiday, to reconnect on whatever level works at that moment, and hopes for some significant easing of tension and angst and underlying dysfuncti...

This year, hubby and I contemplated getting away for Thanksgiving. We entertained the thought of staying in Santa Fe, enjoying a lovely meal out, walking around the plaza, and mostly NOT dealing with the family political dynamic that has plagued recent (ok, at least the last 10 if not more) Turkey Day celebrations. The fact that our kids will not be home adds to the feeling of liberation - there is no tradition to uphold if they aren't here, right? In fact, daughter and her boyfriend will be in Italy this year. Italy. Touring, eating the most amazing foods and drinking Italian wine. They're even taking a cooking class in Tuscany while they're there. They'll be having an incredible, romantic time, and doing what you should do - which is enjoying the event. Son is too far away to come home for Thanksgiving, but will be home for Christmas, which warms my mama heart to its very core. He will be celebrating with friends in Abu Dhabi, and will most likely host - he is the ch...

It's midterms again, which means I am either head down studying for the next big exam, or I am thinking about it (and possibly avoiding it by cleaning or practicing some form of denial for a few minutes). As I prepare to go for a much needed jog to clear my head and move my body, I, sitting in my dining room with a 5'x8' window to my left, looked at my phone to see what the weather app had to say about what was going on outside. Really? WTH? Time to get in touch with reality and myself, yes? Hugs, Stevie

A dear family friend, who just recently returned to our state after years away in California, has graciously invited me to stay with her a couple of nights a week in Santa Fe while I finish up school. What does this mean? Less commuting. Which equates to less cumulative fatigue over the course of a week. Which also equates to a more focused, effective me..as a student and general member of society. Last week was our first week trying this new arrangement out, and it seems to be pretty comfortable - for both of us. Her home is lovely, and her neighbors are welcoming and supportive as well. This counts as an unexpected blessing. I am grateful, and I am thankful, and I look forward to doing my very best to finish this program strong and ready for boards, and for life beyond. It really does take a village to support big goals, doesn't it? Stevie

Sometimes Fall sneaks up on you, and then one morning there you are surrounded by golden leaves and you notice a chill in the air. Sometimes Fall skirts the edges of Summer, teasing with its cooler nights and crisper mornings. This is a skirting year. Our days, due to some unexpected high pressure systems, have been unseasonably warm, still in the 90's when they should be dropping into the low 80's by now. Even so, Fall is close. The leaves in the Sandias have begun to turn glorious shades of yellow and gold and red. The morning air really is cooler and cleaner and has a bit of an edge. I noticed last week, when greeting the early morning in Santa Fe on my friend's patio, that it was much cooler in the City Different. Much. I needed a sweatshirt...and the colors, evident on the nearby Sangre De Cristos, are stunning. So, it'll be really cool, for real, pretty soon, we're told. For today, though, it's sunscreen and a hat for the walk/jog. It's goin...

Every day, the trek to Santa Fe. Every day the schlep back home, hopefully with more experience and knowledge in the old cranium. After one full week behind us, I have to say, damn. Saturday was just a recovery day. I hit a wall around 3 p.m. and had to nap. Seriously. I know I will get used to the commute, or at least I tell myself I will. That it will become part of my day, and be no biggie. That I am fortunate to have avoided said commute for as long as I have, since my much younger daughter in the Big Apple commutes 1:10 every morning and evening, by train. So I need to just chill, right? Right. I have to believe the medicine is bigger and better than the politics and egos and nonsense that predicated our campus being 'consolidated' into the Santa Fe campus. I have to believe that the greater lesson here will eclipse the stupidity of trying to meld two completely and totally different philosphies/entities into one very narrow, rigid mold. I have to believe this.....

Another school term done. Final year awaits in another week and half. For now I'm simply taking a breath. Days tend to blend into one another, separated only by increments of sleep... I read. I run. I do my toes. I sew.  I nap. I cook. I deal with domestic stuff. I read some more. I nap some more. I may watch a sinful TV show or so..or binge favorite series I've recorded. But mostly I just breathe. And know that the strength I gather now will sustain me through the final year of my program, one in which I'll be commuting to Santa Fe every day and one which will no doubt hold surprises - both pleasant, and some not so pleasant. Namaste. Stevie

Grandma Gin is a force to be reckoned with. She's fierce, rather dark, very curious, an advocate for better food in her retirement home and is generally one of the most informed individuals I know.  She is always abreast of political happenings, seldom tolerant of nonsense in general, and often a person around whom others gather to do good work. She and her cronies have made hundreds of quilts for veterans, have generated thousands of dollars for good causes selling their homecrafted holiday ornaments, and continue to meet every evening after dinner at a cozy little 'Peyton Place' they've appropriated in a quiet corner of their building. Sometimes they work puzzles. Sometimes they just gossip. Mostly they gather to simply be in the same place with those of like mind. I want to be tough like her, but I feel I may not have quite the titanium core she possesses. She grew up during the Depression on a farm in Colorado. Her father was a raging (and mean) alcoholic, so...

Happy Summer! Really summer..like 6th of July summer! Par for the course here in the high desert, it just rained. Hard. I believe the term 'like cats and dogs' would have fit perfectly. There was darkness as the storm moved in - fast. There was thunder, lightening, big wind, then RAIN! And some hail, but more rain... For about 15 minutes, then it blew itself out. The fish pond is overflowing. The garden is super happy. The air smells great. It's over. Onward. Have you ever had a feeling of heaviness, of just plain fatigue that won't let up? Have you ever had to take inventory of your day prior to your feet hitting the ground just so you know a: what day it is, and b: where you're expected to be and what you're expected to do? Me too. Right now. I blame this on the seemingly endless journey of Oriental Medical school. I blame this on being at midlife and understanding the need for true rest, and knowing that elusive pastime will have to wait until af...

One of the benefits of getting older is developing the ability to have a teeny little bit of perspective on things. Sometimes, anyway. When we have a ridiculously hard day, perhaps one filled with perceived affronts by others, or just difficult circumstances surrounding every.single.possible.thing you try to accomplish that day, being able to, at the end of it, take a breath and realize it's just a day can help. This is simply one among many, and it alone won't set the tone for life as a whole. It's just a day. So shitty days happen, and we learn to roll with them, not stress too much about them, and to shake them off. Sometimes there are longer periods of either drudgery or interminable tasks...you can fill in the blanks here, but it can be work or school or some complex personal situation that vexes and causes one to fret and fume and otherwise NOT be calm and centered and balanced at any given time. Even these periods of angst are just part of a greater whole....

Many years ago, when my life became more complicated than I thought it would ever be, I started making lists. They provided a way to organize, to create a visual reminder and to help stay on track. Distractions are par for the course; having a To Do list means a second thought often occurs before serious veering takes place. These lists have, through the years, undergone changes in form. When I was the road warrior professional, I kept everything electronically, either in some calendar (that then produced my coveted lists for me), or some format that was all the techno rage at that particular point in time. I also carried a BlackBerry for many years because a: it was a good tool and b: I was expected to be in touch, 24/7, and up to speed, always. Onward. The lists became more and more complicated. I worked for a development company for a bit (a short bit - it sucked for reasons I'll spare you right now but I'm still trying to regain the piece of my soul that was consum...

Anyone who's ridden the Grey's Anatomy emotional roller coaster knows that curve balls are part of the formula. They love shocking us, and we love being shocked. If we didn't, we wouldn't keep going back season after season, right? I mean who among us isn't still mourning Lexie and McSteamy?? Last night, though, that one felt like a gut punch, one you didn't get to brace for. Well done, Shonda, well done. And yes, I'll go back for more. I always do.

The last week has been incredible. Daughter and her BF were home, and we got to spend time cooking and catching up and laughing and just being in the same space for a few days. It was fabulous. I am ...feeling full of Mama love, of commitment for my big goal, of belief in the future, overall. But the present, the present is awesome, too. Last night, very late, we put sweet girl and her BF on a plane for NYC. And now they are back to their lives in that very busy place, finding their way and defining their next steps as they do so. Today I regroup, connect with some clients, have lunch with the Granny Brigade, then dive into books. First final exam is tomorrow. Huge quiz follows, the next day. Next week, four big finals..big, hard, ugly, dense, finals. Am I ready yet? Nope. Will I be ready when the time comes? I'll do my best. Happy Spring! Stevie

Yesterday I went to say goodbye to another amazing human being. He had fallen to his addiction,  in spite of a sterling intellect and absolute certainty that he would prevail. He was wrong. As I look back at his lovely service, and the people who spoke lovingly of him, I felt incredibly sad, but also proud for him. Some people are not stellar humans. They are selfish and idiotic and really, at times one wonders at the universe's wisdom, 'What the hell? She's an IDIOT! What is the point, here???" Onward. He was kind, he was generous, he was brilliant. And he was sensitive. Very. Deeply. Which, as we all all pondered yesterday, created a perfect storm in which his addiction was able to prevail, at last. There is a strange bittersweetness to services. We are there to bid adieu to a dear friend or loved one. In the process we reunite with those with whom we've lost touch, with those we appreciate after many years in spite of miles and time separating us. ...

The desert Southwest is named that for a reason. Our rainfall is way below other parts of the US, and when people fly in for the first time, they are struck by how brown everything seems to be... But let it rain a few times and magic happens. The little plants and flowers that wait patiently for the tiniest bit of moisture dance with joy and sprinkle the desert with sage greens and various gorgeous flowers of incredible intensity. And if the rain continues for more than a shower or two, as we're told it will this year, the entire desert gets a fluffy bluish green fuzz not unlike that of an adolescent boy sprouting his first beard. The Pacific is warmer than it has been in awhile, which bodes well for us. The last few days have been stormy, and lovely rainfalls have occurred during the night, making the morning air clear and fresh and moist and rinsed of some of the typical pollens found floating abundantly this time of year. People look better too. We kind of glisten up, moi...

We are not Irish. I mean, I may have a wee drop or two of Irish blood from my Grandfather's side of the family, but really, we're not Irish. We're more English/northern European Czech/Polish and Lebanese...as you have probably gleaned by now. Oh and 1/32 Cherokee, but that's not part of today's focus. My hubby is Polish. 100%. Not a drop of Irish in there that we're aware of. Sparkly blue eyes, olive complexion, deeply felt emotions and rather stubborn...100% Polish, that's my man. But every year we make corned beef and red potatoes and cabbage. And we drink a Guinness or two to celebrate the day. Oh, and hubby's very favorite of all time DVD will be in the player tonight - Celtic Women. He loves them (who wouldn't, they're talented, gorgeous, and embody the Irish tradition, right?), and our friends all tease him. I know that if I lose him to another woman one day, she's gonna be Irish, and probably sing like a bird. I have no defense ...

Web surfs can be interesting exercises in either discovery, or, like today, in futility. I'm not sure what I was seeking when I went out surfing a bit, but aside from a funny blog post by one of my fav bloggers, the effort was frustrating. What is it we're looking for when we go out there? Is it comparative happiness, something that Facebook seems to provide?  People seem so happy out there. Big smiles on faces, snapshots of lives, the highlights shared, the deeper, darker moments usually concealed. Today's brief visit to the FB included finding a beautiful tribute to a former colleague who has passed, by a dear friend who has also been a colleague, at times, and has always been one of the most eloquent writers I know. That loss, of the former colleague, makes 5 losses for this year. That is just too many. Maybe I'm just in a weird head space, but right now I just don't find the joy in surfing. The bigger question is whether or not I try to fan the flames a...

There are times when you blink and large chunks of time have passed. I'm told this happens when you're super focused and working toward a larger goal, which I am. But I am also told that this happens when life deals up some really painful events and your psyche/soul/emotions just need a little time to try to process. 2015 is not currently my favorite year in ever. In fact, if I had to reassess, I'd say it ranks among being slingshot into the sun and not popping out the other side. Or like being dematerialized and only coming back 70% on the other side... Since January 1st, we have lost four dear souls. Four. We have attended three funerals, a memorial service and a wake. We lost people who, one and all, made the world a better place by merely having been in it. They all brought something special to everything they did, and had a special light that shone. They were all fierce and funny and passionate and funny and had special specialness. They all made this world a mu...

To say I'm extremely healthy would be an understatement. I am blessed with strong genes, which means, naturally, that I take my wellness for granted. But not now. For the last five days my life has revolved around trying to get comfortable enough to not want to crawl out of my own skin. The aches, the low grade (but fucking persistent) fever, the mucous...good lord don't get me started on the number of kleenexes that have given their lives so my nose can be dry for about fourteen seconds - all of these things are part of this year's flu virus, and I'm not happy to be experiencing ANY of them thankyouverymuch. Things that have helped so far include several Chinese herbal formulas that are working at a deep level to rally my immune system to kick this goddamned virus' ass, Advil (I broke down..I tried for the first few days to just do herbs and they weren't enough. I figured if, in ancient China, someone had the flu and had Advil and didn't take it, the...

Happy New Year!  I hope you are all in a place where you feel ready to press on after the holidays, and that your year will be filled with much happiness and enough adventures to make it interesting! I don't know what ours holds, yet. I mean, there's the whole school thing, which goes on and on and on, though at some point I will be launched from the academic coccoon (they tell me at the veeeery end of 2016...) and into the world of board exams, licensing, and heaven forbid, practice building. But there is still so very much to learn, so very much to do, so very much to help begin to pull all the pieces of this very complex education together before the launch happens that I dare not even think about the end. Yet. But at some point, I will. We joined a gym. Or I should say my spouse rejoined, and I joined. And so far I like it. I like the machines. I like the choice of treadmills, ellipticals, and bikes. I like getting there, getting into a zone, doing sets, wiping down th...