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Remending or Unrending?

As in to mend again. Or to mend a rend in the emotional fabric of our lives.

A little background on this.

My Mom and I have an interesting relationship borne of many things, but mostly conducted at a distance. A long distance.

She lives far away, in Oregon now, but she's lived further away than that for decades now.

Originally, she went with my step dad, a physicist, who needed special equipment to do his research. They went to Germany for 7 years, then to Brazil for another 3. During the Germany time both of my babies were born. And Mom came to visit for those events.

And then they moved back for a bit. But though they lived in the same state as us, they lived 45 minutes away from us in a little town. In a weird little apartment attached to a much larger house sitting on a horse farm of sorts but not really a horse farm..they boarded, but there wasn't as much lush pasture as you'd expect at a horse farm. Maybe it was just kind of a desert version of a horse farm. During this time I had gone back to school (after my daughter was born), and Mom would watch her for us in the mornings I had classes, which was super sweet and good for both of them.

And then she moved away again. To Washington, this time. Two flights away (one a big jet; one a puddle jumper to get to Port Angeles.)

Many events have occurred since that move. The kids grew up, all the way. She became a widow. We lost her Dad, Grandpa Jack (Grandma Gin's hubby). We lost my other grandfather on my dad's side. And then my Grandma Alice. And then my cousin Misty, and her sister Leah. Within months of one another.

And during it all, Mom stayed away but for brief, annual visits. Graduations, Grandma's 90th birthday, that kind of thing. But brief, infrequent, and strained because it takes awhile for everyone to get used to her being around again after being gone for so long and knowing she's headed out again shortly.

She likes where she lives. She wishes she knew her grand babies better as they're astonishing and cool and overall awe.some human beings. And she's missed it all. They don't know her at all, and she doesn't know them.

There is angst. I get emotional and sad that she doesn't know them, and that she and I are so distant...though we do email periodically and chat on the phone every few weeks.

We're essentially strangers, Mom and I, and during a particularly emotional evening last week I told her how I felt. Not as an angry 5 year old needing attention (I've done that, believe me), but as a mature woman expressing to her aging mother that she'd really like a stronger, deeper relationship. Not based on old expectations unmet, not based on traditional anything, just a relationship that explores where we are now. She agreed that was worth working toward, a healthier, stronger relationship.

As G.G. and I have discussed this topic through the years we've proposed many solutions to the problems we seem to encounter when attempting to bridge the gap with Mom. The most recent solution, obvious to us but guaranteed to offend her should I present it...If she got a laptop and Internet in her house she could set up a wireless network and email/Skype us from her deck if she wanted. On her turf. On her terms, but still in touch. Virtually.

Right now she lives out in the boonies (technical term), though not so far out that no less than 4 internet providers serve her area, so we know she can get the service if she wants it. We checked.

The real question, is whether she really wants it.

The real answer, I fear, is that she does not. And that is where the rending part comes into play.

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