Skip to main content

Tired

Months into this, I find myself just...bone tired. 

Tired of the conversations. 

Tired of the reality of daily fear layered over the reality of yearning for a quality life. 

Tired of the politicization of a terrible health crisis. 

Tired of the buildup to an election, the results of which hold our futures in balance - darkness and light are at work, this time. 

Tired from being upbeat and supportive and so very very positive with each of my patients each and every treatment, day after day. 

Tired from an endless summer of oppressive heat, big wind, very little rain. 

Tired of being tired. 

 I really really want to take a deep breath, awaken one morning without the crashing realization, a few seconds after waking, that life is super complicated, rather dangerous, and without many of the simple opportunities I've come to take so much for granted. 

I want to be able to hug freely, meet casually, feel a sense of lightness, and gather in casual or chic or fun or any fucking setting I feel like, without concern. 

We'll get there again, I know this in my heart of hearts. I know we'll find a new normal, and that we'll thrive. I know that. 

But right now, at this moment, in spite of my absolute faith in humanity, I am tired.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

On Mondays. And lots of rules.

Mondays can be a challenge. There's the whole shock to the system of waking up and realizing it's not the weekend anymore, which kind of blows. And then the jolt out of the lazy flow of the weekend into the time-focused 'gotta be at the office by x time, gotta get ready for the company meeting, gotta check emails/deadlines to ensure nothing is on fire' stuff. And then the reality of settling into the week...and knowing that this one will be a full one. They all seem to be. This week for me: Work. Lots of good stuff going on, but 'lots' being the watchword. School. 2nd trimester starts. Tomorrow a.m. So tomorrow for me is school, 9-12; work 1230-430; clinic 5-9. Long day, Tuesday. For this I've washed and pressed my lab coat, cleaned out my tote (it is truly amazing what collects during a trimester in terms of used kleenexes, abandoned index cards, folded notes that were important at some point but now are just extra weight, stale snacks, etc.), and ...
Post a Comment
Read more

It might have been the moon

 The second Super Moon, also a Harvest Moon, just happened. On the same night I had my mini-meltdown. (see prior post). I've talked with several friends who reported intense emotions, mostly around stuff that needs to be released, resolved. When I think about my angst, and how intense it felt, I realize it was all about that kind of stuff. Old stuff, patterns, thinking, habits. So maybe the moon precipitated things. The bubbling up of angst and anger and icky stuff lasted all that night, but had calmed by yesterday morning. Thank gawd, because that was a morass of darkness, the likes of which I haven't experienced in at least a decade. The rest of the weekend has been pleasant. Uneventful. Full of errands, chores, a really nice walk this morning, yummy food, naps, etc. The one thing about energy that feels constant is that no mood lasts forever. Energy continually shifts and morphs, like the Universe knows too much, too long, of any one sentiment just isn't a good idea for ...
Post a Comment
Read more

May I please be excused?

When G.G. was sorting through the mail the other night he stopped, then started to chuckle. And then he handed me an envelope in which a Jury Summons was contained. He chuckled because he has been called twice, and I have never been called. And for some reason he thought that wasn't right, or fair, or something. Well, I got mine. But it turns out I need to ask them a favor. To postpone my civic duty until after the holidays. Because before the holidays I am responsible for planning and overseeing and/or executing all year end marketing and PR for our little company, as well as publishing our final edition of an e-pub that now distributes to over 300K people each edition, so it needs to look good. And not have spelling errors and stuff. And then when that e-pub flies? I'll be flying, literally, to Providence, then to Europe and the Middle East. There's a lot to get done before I go, and I'm desperately hoping that our jury management system accepts my reque...
3 comments
Read more