Do you ever have those days when you think about a messy emotional situation from years back and suddenly it ALL makes perfect sense? When, at the time, it was a bloody mess and confusing and painful and just far too stupid for words? I do. All the time.
So I ask myself, 'Self, are you just focusing on living your life and then get caught by surprise a lot, or are you just obtuse?'
The answer varies.
Just the other day I realized that a tremendously messy and painful situation in which I found myself embroiled during my first marriage (then explosive demise of same) HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
I had the bad timing to enter into a dance that had begun years prior, with players who were so intent upon manipulating and controlling and one-upping each other that my entrance simply provided them another person with whom to play the relationship chess game.
I was definitely the pawn, and a decade younger than all of them, so not only did I enter the arena without the experience under my belt to deal with the shenanigans that took seven years to fully blossom, then implode, my nature isn't about manipulating and controlling and enjoying one-upping. I'm just not made that way. Thank gawd.
Anyway, during the whole high points, low points, embarrassing declarations of inappropriate feelings and subsequent nuclear disaster in my heart, I couldn't see what was going on. It was a forest for the trees thing. And the forest was dense and dark and full of scary, nasty creatures that prefer nightmares to sweet dreams as a general rule.
Was I guilty of bad judgment from time to time? Definitely.
Was I narcissistic and sometimes giddy in love? Yup.
Was I mean and nasty and spiteful and hurtful and generally insensitive to everyone else in our mess? Never.
Because, and I'm appreciating this more as the realization has settled into my bones, it was NEVER about me.
Which, if you're me? Is a little hard to swallow because I like to be taken seriously so being avowed completely ancillary and simply an entertainment device within a much more complex and infinitely fucked up dynamic hurts just a little. Because, honestly, I was taking myself very seriously.
The liberation, though, is un.believable.
Thank you meditation. And thank you Now. And thank you two decades of perspective, all of which created quiet moments in which to reflect and really see a cloudy scenario with absolute clarity for the first time EVER.
Ha.
After all this time it's awesome to realize that I was always true to myself, to my heart, and never ever intended to hurt anyone. Ever.
Which means I may be obtuse in any given moment, but given enough time, enough distance, enough perspective...I'll figure it out.
So I ask myself, 'Self, are you just focusing on living your life and then get caught by surprise a lot, or are you just obtuse?'
The answer varies.
Just the other day I realized that a tremendously messy and painful situation in which I found myself embroiled during my first marriage (then explosive demise of same) HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
I had the bad timing to enter into a dance that had begun years prior, with players who were so intent upon manipulating and controlling and one-upping each other that my entrance simply provided them another person with whom to play the relationship chess game.
I was definitely the pawn, and a decade younger than all of them, so not only did I enter the arena without the experience under my belt to deal with the shenanigans that took seven years to fully blossom, then implode, my nature isn't about manipulating and controlling and enjoying one-upping. I'm just not made that way. Thank gawd.
Anyway, during the whole high points, low points, embarrassing declarations of inappropriate feelings and subsequent nuclear disaster in my heart, I couldn't see what was going on. It was a forest for the trees thing. And the forest was dense and dark and full of scary, nasty creatures that prefer nightmares to sweet dreams as a general rule.
Was I guilty of bad judgment from time to time? Definitely.
Was I narcissistic and sometimes giddy in love? Yup.
Was I mean and nasty and spiteful and hurtful and generally insensitive to everyone else in our mess? Never.
Because, and I'm appreciating this more as the realization has settled into my bones, it was NEVER about me.
Which, if you're me? Is a little hard to swallow because I like to be taken seriously so being avowed completely ancillary and simply an entertainment device within a much more complex and infinitely fucked up dynamic hurts just a little. Because, honestly, I was taking myself very seriously.
The liberation, though, is un.believable.
Thank you meditation. And thank you Now. And thank you two decades of perspective, all of which created quiet moments in which to reflect and really see a cloudy scenario with absolute clarity for the first time EVER.
Ha.
After all this time it's awesome to realize that I was always true to myself, to my heart, and never ever intended to hurt anyone. Ever.
Which means I may be obtuse in any given moment, but given enough time, enough distance, enough perspective...I'll figure it out.
I'm so happy to read this. Happy you've gotten clarity on a complex situation/life event. I'd love to have two decades of separation from my last heartbreak. In the meantime...smile it happened rather than cry it is over.
ReplyDeleteI only wish I had focused sooner on the bigger issues. But perhaps it happened when I was really ready to let it go?
ReplyDeleteGood luck, HK! I love how you're running and living and pushing beyond your comfort zone while you heal. You are much wiser than I was, and I believe your recovery will definitely be more complete, more quickly than my own was!