Skip to main content

An open heart

 Nobody really prepares you for the day-to-day reality of medical practice. You have clinic rotations where you practice the art of medicine. You have classes where the theory of ethics is discussed at length. You have years to ingest the theory of the medicine and then begin to apply it.

But the reality of staying positive and appearing neutral when a beloved patient informs you that their cancer 'is more aggressive than anyone expected', and that they have five years of a hard fight ahead of them, sucks. Balls.

When a patient who made extraordinary progress over the last few years loses their brother, experiences a personal attack, and who then was in a nasty car accident which caused significant pain and is taking quite awhile to heal from and then sinks into a nasty depression? This sucks. A lot.

Therapeutic distance is a concept we work with to help us protect ourselves a bit, and to protect our patients from a really honest, visceral reaction where we shout out "No way! That sucks!', or "I hate that for reasons known only to the god you worship you are going through Hell on earth. You are a good person, a kind person, and this feels like A FUCKING LOT! for anyone to endure.'

We don't say those things. But we feel them. And we struggle with our own belief systems from time to time. And we curse belief systems where patients feel abandoned by their god in the face of enormous challenges.

I believe in the Universe, and that there is a flow at work, a symmetry, a long-game that I intuit but can't prove. I have faith..in things working out as they should. I do.

But when my very cool patients suffer, and get cancer and get depressed and have shitty families or constant pain or maladies that just feel effin' unfair...I want to lash out at somebody.

But I don't. I work. I focus, I do my ever lovin best to make things better. I try to get their bodies to balance and feel better. I try to urge them to believe they can heal, they can endure, they can make it through this latest shit show event.

But I am not as distant and professional and clear as I'd like to be. I am human. And my heart bleeds for these brave souls. And some days, some days we cry together.

And I've come to understand that too, is ok, in the bigger scheme. Because being human is important. Because us humans have to stick together when shit gets real and ugly.

We do this with heart. 

This is my way, though it is certainly not the easiest way. It just feels right.

And I have to go with that.

Huge hugs, lovelies.

Stevie



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Experiencing system issues

Last night we booked my return flight from Rhode Island. The one I'll be taking once I've situated Daughter in her dorm digs. We used rapid rewards, which tends to take a little longer than other transactions. But still. We were on the phone for almost an hour. An hour! Really? And we had to give them the credit card number 5 times. For one flight and one rental car. I'm just sayin' you guys may be the best bet out there in terms of airline choices, but come on! At least provide fun Hold music if you're going to make people engage for that long. Seriously.
Post a Comment
Read more

It might have been the moon

 The second Super Moon, also a Harvest Moon, just happened. On the same night I had my mini-meltdown. (see prior post). I've talked with several friends who reported intense emotions, mostly around stuff that needs to be released, resolved. When I think about my angst, and how intense it felt, I realize it was all about that kind of stuff. Old stuff, patterns, thinking, habits. So maybe the moon precipitated things. The bubbling up of angst and anger and icky stuff lasted all that night, but had calmed by yesterday morning. Thank gawd, because that was a morass of darkness, the likes of which I haven't experienced in at least a decade. The rest of the weekend has been pleasant. Uneventful. Full of errands, chores, a really nice walk this morning, yummy food, naps, etc. The one thing about energy that feels constant is that no mood lasts forever. Energy continually shifts and morphs, like the Universe knows too much, too long, of any one sentiment just isn't a good idea for ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Too much of the wave

My new running shoes? Are killing me. My knees, my hips, it's ridiculous. As much as I loved their cousins, the single wave Mizunos, I don't love these, the double wave Mizunos. Which kind of sucks because: 1. The store I bought them from has a 30 day return policy, and it's been twice that. 2. I spent half again as much on a stepped up model assuming that extra technology would be twice as good for me and my runs and it turns out I was dead wrong. 3. My knees hurt. My hips hurt. I have a bad attitude that will probably go away by tomorrow when I don my old versions of the waves and go for a walk that feels just fine thankyouverymuch. But I see Advil in my future this afternoon. This isn't bad for other reasons including: 1. I may not have to give up running entirely, but I definitely need to give up the double waves. 2. I am not crazy. When I stopped wearing the shoes for a week? The pain went away. Completely. But I didn't make the connection betwe...
Post a Comment
Read more