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Mid week, week 2.

Here we are, making the best of social distancing. The governor just declared our state an emergency, so the distancing is mandatory, which I totally support. It's odd, though, to be a health care professional but deemed non-essential. It makes sense, but it stings a little. Does that make sense? I am important, but not emergent important.

But that's not my point.

Having time to think (ruminate?) about life, my choices, my career, etc., has revealed some areas of focus/clarity.

First, I have learned I  am not a work at home person. I need people. I am an extrovert, and a healer, so I really need people. Literally. To do my job. Also, I really like people. Interacting is important to me. The give and take in a normal day is something I've not really thought too much about since becoming a D.O.M., it simply is. Well, now that it's not, I am missing it all. A lot.

Second, as the big relief package takes effect, I am concerned. I am an Independent Contractor. I have no unemployment benefits. I have no protection in the event I am unable to work. I have known this, in an abstract way, but am feeling the reality, in a very tangible way. I am not liking what I'm feeling, and the stress and concern, long term, are things I will need to address moving forward. I am not sure how to address this, which is even more unsettling. I love working with the little community clinic I work with. It's little, with tiny margins and a small, dedicated team making it all happen, from delivering health care to insurance billing to administration to building maintenance. The cost of employees (vs contractors) is higher, enough so that our tiny little clinic, when burdened with employer taxes on top of overhead may struggle mightily to just stay in existence. If it goes under, I have nowhere to work anyway, right?

Third, I do better with a full schedule. A less than full schedule makes me feel untethered in some ways, and I don't like that. Daily accountability to others has been a constant for my whole life. While I'm certainly accountable to myself, my spouse, my family...that differs from a clear daily schedule that starts at 6 a.m. and ends, formally, around 5 p.m., with extended stuff until bedtime. I feel a little like a energizer bunny in a three dimensional maze - moving, but with not a lot of progress and some full on stops each day for no real reason, just stops.

My issues aren't mine alone. Many people are dealing with some version of these, with other complicating factors as well. And I realize I haven't thought all the way through all of the issues that are currently in front of me. I am just identifying the big concerns. Next steps will include looking at all options, moving forward.

Hoping you are well and warm,  and sending giant hugs your way,

Stevie

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