Desert Magnolia

Ekhart Tolle speaks of stillness, the importance of finding it, of cultivating it, of appreciating it, and of enjoying the amazing transformations that occur while in a still state. When I think of some of the biggest epiphanies of my life, they've all come about during meditative, still moments. Within those moments we are free to just be..to just observe and allow the essence of who we are bubble up into our consciousness.  The monkeys are quiet, there, and the incessant white noise of to do lists and constant 'shoulds' are absent. It took awhile to get to a still place. I remember my early days of meditating and actually getting frustrated because I felt, for so long, like I was skimming the quiet space, just skirting the beneficial pause that stillness offers up. I now realize the pursuit of stillness is as beneficial as the state of stillness.  By seeking stillness we create space in which stillness may reside. By pursuing a quieter mind, we learn ways to paci...

Part of comprehensive exams prep includes taking sample exams to help identify any areas where gaps in information may exist. I continue to be astonished with the sheer volume of knowledge I have welcomed into my being. I also find strange gaps in that knowledge.  Professors cover tons of subject matter each semester, with inevitable focus in places that interest them most. That's just how it works. I am beginning to see just where the interests have lain with my profs, and where the exam requirements may be much broader in some places. The good news is I am expanding my understanding of multiple topics as I work through this process.  The bad news is my personality focuses not on what I seem to know but on worrying about what I don't know (well), and as a result I am stressing myself out. Seriously, I'm bound to miss a few questions when they're served up in sets of 100 and cover ungodly breadth of knowledge. But I hate missing any at all, and I just need ...

To say a metamorphosis has occurred would be an understatement. To admit to no longer knowing where or how I fit in, exactly, would be to admit uncertainty in the face of great change and opportunity. To look around each day and realize how much I missed during my reinvention, how so many of life's little pleasures were not mine to enjoy, would be an admission of my extreme focus, albeit a focus with a cost. But all of these are true, and in the weeks since graduation I've begun to return to my self, to my life, to the ability to enjoy subtle gifts each day. Yes, I am very very focused on preparing for national exams, and yes, I study hard every day.  But I am slowly trying to rediscover my life. There is the garden in the morning. Long walks/jogs. Rainy afternoons. Cooking. Smoking (not cigarettes, meats. We bought a smoker and I am the one in charge..it's great!) There's Bernie the Wonder Granddog, my amazing son, my incredible husband, our two silly, lov...