Desert Magnolia

Without real warning, without fanfare, and without a really good reason, 50 is barrelling down on me like a freight train. Scheduled to arrive next week. On Thursday. Which is kind of cool, since I was born on a Thursday. There will be celebration. Dinner out at a favorite restaurant. Dinner cooked by hubby the next night. And some introspection, I'm thinking...between celebrations and over the weekend to follow. I think...I'm happy. I'm definitely engaged with life, with current events, and am now creating a new career, new future, so that state should hold indefinitely. I'm happy in love. I'm fulfilled as a Mom. I have an amazing group of friends that..sustain me, and for whom I am eternally grateful. But motherofgawd it's happened fast. I mean, just yesterday...I was giving birth to my son, who turns 25 6 days after I turn 50. Just yesterday! And immediately following that, ok, 4 years later..my daughter was born. And everything from then to 3 ...

I spent a significant amount of the last 20+ years driving people around. Kids to events, practices, meets, etc., and often this driving turned into trips, or very very long driving stints to out-of-town tournaments and cross country meets. Granted, some of the best conversations I had with my kids, during their teen years in particular, I had in the car on the way to somewhere. When baby girl got her drivers license, this all changed. Which was good! I worried about her being out there and I worried about other dumb drivers and I worried about her propensity for texting and I worried a lot. But I wasn't driving when I was worrying. Fast forward 2.5 years. After a relatively quiescent period for schlepping, and much smaller gasoline tabs, to boot, I find myself on ground support duty for my husband and his buddies. Who hike every Saturday. Every Saturday. Usually I'm on pickup, so when they pop out onto a trailhead after a hard day's hiking I'm there...and all ...

What box, you ask? Why the one in which we tend to reside until we're forced to move out of it. It's comfy and warm and familiar in there, and we believe that nothing bad can happen to us while we're safely ensconced in its comfort. We're delusional, but that's another conversation entirely. Anyway, the other day as I was hitting one of my 'absolutely nothing is getting into this brain until I go for a run' phases and decided to take a study break, I realized something. If we're comfortable, we're generally not growing. In any way. If we're shielded from life, we're never forced to participate and resolve issues that arise continually in the presence of others. Case in point. Two fellow students, both considerably younger than me (like in their mid twenties), observed in class the other day. They were talking about how anyone who is serious goes to school and only school, and does nothing but 'immerse' in the experience of ...

Now that I think about it, I should have labeled this post, The Clog Before the Flow, or something existential like that. Let me explain. During the course of my training, to date, I've noticed some interesting things about myself. Like, I am learning to allow myself to be part of a much bigger effort, which will result in me being a practitioner of Oriental Medicine at some future point. I've never really been a part of something like this- it's strange and intense and interesting and hard and changes every single student in fundamental ways, I'm told. Like, my perfectionism (under relative control compared to a decade ago, I have to say), while a positive considering medicine is full of details and nobody wants to be imperfect...can cause problems. The sheer volume of information that's being shoved into my brain, and the short time period in which this is happening (ie every semester...tons and tons and tons of new stuff), makes perfectionism an impossib...

I've noticed, of late, that there seems to be a direct correlation between the intensity of work and school, and my propensity for daydreaming. My mind may need a break...I'm thinking. Things I daydream about are random, but included on the list.... Fantasies of laying on the beach. Surf pounding white sand. Sun beating down on my body. Sea birds engaging in sea bird conversations that go on for days. Images of floating...in a cool pool, on a hot day. Weightlessness. Buoyancy. Silence. Daydreams of lazy baking...intricate desserts requiring many steps and much time to prepare. With love. And butter. And chocolate or maybe cream. Presented with pride and more love. Dancing. Slow, sensual dancing. For hours. On a wooden dance floor outdoors somewhere..somewhere warm, where jasmine wafts on a soft, cool, late night breeze. Reading. For pleasure. Beginning at the top of the stack next to my bed and not finishing until I'm finished, then foraying to the library fo...

Have you ever had an epiphany during which you connect ideas that, honestly, probably shouldn't be connected? Ever? This happened to me this morning during a conversation with my friend E. We were talking about cats, their behavior, etc., in fact she opened the conversation by asking me if I knew that some cats have allergies...because apparently hers does. For the record, I hadn't given this much thought, prior. Our cat occasionally sneezes, but I assume that's due to my less than exemplary performance as a housekeeper. Ahem. We also had a cat when I was growing up that sucked all the fur off the first 2" of his tail, but that was attributed to neuroses, not allergies, if I recall. Anyway, we went on to discuss more about felines...and we noted how cool it is that when a cat gets what they want, either a nice warm lap, a head scratch, dinner, treats, etc., it's done with you. Just walks away. Literally. And somehow we're ok with that. Which is odd sin...