Desert Magnolia

I recently discovered that the most terrifying possible letter from a doctor contains those words. Until that point, I was smug. I was full of my own pursuit of health, of my certainty that the hard work I've done for decades in terms of eating well, stress management, exercise would render me bulletproof. It didn't. So when I read those dreaded words, my heart stopped. My blood pressure rose. My stomach felt like a giant hand had squeezed it hard and had no intention of letting go anytime soon. I catastrophized. Within a day of processing the message in my imagination I had battled and lost to breast cancer. My children were motherless, their need for maternal support and love no longer within reach on this plane of existence. My husband was without his wife. In one scenario I concocted late at night, he had remarried, and seemed much happier than I had ever made him. In this scenario our beloved felines were emotionally bereft without their pet human to spoil...

In 5 days my baby girl will be getting married. In 2 days she, her fiance and their besties will be arriving. In 1 day I will need to have baked 6 quiches of different flavors for the brunch on Sunday. In 3 days I will have baked enough brownies to satisfy the sweet cravings of an army   a rehearsal dinner crowd. In 3 days I will have made enough lemon bars to do the same. In 15 minutes my next patient, then my last patient of the day, arrive. Just 2 hours ago my Mom came into clinic for a tuneup treatment and left 'feeling like she was walking on a cloud'. In 2 days I will, upon closing my clinic day, get my Mother of the Bride Mani/Pedi on my way home. In 3 days our little family and the groom's little family will enjoy cocktails and appetizers on our patio followed by dinner at a lovely, lovely restaurant in the valley to celebrate Father of the Groom's 60th birthday. In 4 days we will be loading a host of vehicles with the necessities to throw th...

 As I settle into my second year of practice, I am becoming more comfortable with the medicine overall, and am feeling continually blessed to be in a place where I can participate in journeys to better health and well being. Each day brings challenges, opportunities to test my abilities as a practitioner, and conversations about life, love, health, wellness and managing obstacles along the way. I am continually impressed by how patients cope, how they overcome their unique health issues, and how the medicine seems to support their efforts to improve. Some days the intensity of multiple patients with intense back stories or clearly nuanced and complex lives and circumstances leaves me exhausted, emotionally.  Therapeutic distance is a beautiful ideal that we're encouraged to employ; the reality is sometimes, often when I 'm physically taxed at the end of a long day or week, applying that ideal of distance becomes a challenge.  When the energy that fuels my barriers is...

"Mom, there's something special about him. He's kind, he's romantic, he's so smart. I think I'm falling for him," she said. He is all of these things and more, and over time my sweet baby girl and her love have explored life together, have move in, have tackled daily logistics and worked together to help develop each other as individuals. He comes from a lovely family from the East coast, a family with which we have grown close over the last few years. They're funny, they're intense, they're Italian, they're foodies, they're very family oriented. And, because of yesterday's events, they will be joined with ours as our offspring unite in marriage. Our baby girl is engaged. And we couldn't be happier. The look on her face as we Facetimed last night was incredible. She was overwhelmed. She was joyous. She was filled with joy and hope and love. And her new fiancee was grinning like a loon, happy that the elaborate schem...

To say a metamorphosis has occurred would be an understatement. To admit to no longer knowing where or how I fit in, exactly, would be to admit uncertainty in the face of great change and opportunity. To look around each day and realize how much I missed during my reinvention, how so many of life's little pleasures were not mine to enjoy, would be an admission of my extreme focus, albeit a focus with a cost. But all of these are true, and in the weeks since graduation I've begun to return to my self, to my life, to the ability to enjoy subtle gifts each day. Yes, I am very very focused on preparing for national exams, and yes, I study hard every day.  But I am slowly trying to rediscover my life. There is the garden in the morning. Long walks/jogs. Rainy afternoons. Cooking. Smoking (not cigarettes, meats. We bought a smoker and I am the one in charge..it's great!) There's Bernie the Wonder Granddog, my amazing son, my incredible husband, our two silly, lov...

It's nearly Spring. I know, it's only February 21st, but it feels like Spring out there. Tulips, daffodils, hyacinths and iris are pushing up through the ground. The earth smells different, like it's warming, like it's awakening, like it's about to offer up new life once more. The light is different. There is a warmth and intensity to sunbeams that warms the skin and stirs the spirit to take a deep metaphorical breath and stretch. The days are longer, and we open the windows to let the fresh air flow through the house, a space that has been mostly closed against the cold, cold days and nights of late. I am a Spring baby, which is why I have always felt particularly alive and vital and happy during this time. The birds are making interesting Spring sounds, too. Their coos and chirps have changed in tone to a happier and less resolute timbre. They know warmer days and nights await, and their song reflects joy in that awareness. May you all feel the blood in ...

A review of my recent posts of late has made me frown and contemplate where I'm really at with regard to outlook, general status, etc. My posts have had a stressed and rather dark feel to them, some of which makes sense, what with the expectations of school and such, but some of which feels a little..not how I really look at the world. I am maddeningly positive, most days, and awaken energized and ready for whatever comes my way each morning. I am blessed with good health, a loving family, much good fortune, and am pursuing a new path that is already proving to be the absolute right one for me. So my grumpy posts? Not really who I am or how I look at the world. I'm mostly a fix it kind of person.  If something is broken, I find a way to repair it. When I looked back at my Thanksgiving post, I realized I was 'observing', but with a decidedly grey filter over things. I don't want to be that. I can make choices not to be in situations, to provide alternatives to...

Yesterday I went to say goodbye to another amazing human being. He had fallen to his addiction,  in spite of a sterling intellect and absolute certainty that he would prevail. He was wrong. As I look back at his lovely service, and the people who spoke lovingly of him, I felt incredibly sad, but also proud for him. Some people are not stellar humans. They are selfish and idiotic and really, at times one wonders at the universe's wisdom, 'What the hell? She's an IDIOT! What is the point, here???" Onward. He was kind, he was generous, he was brilliant. And he was sensitive. Very. Deeply. Which, as we all all pondered yesterday, created a perfect storm in which his addiction was able to prevail, at last. There is a strange bittersweetness to services. We are there to bid adieu to a dear friend or loved one. In the process we reunite with those with whom we've lost touch, with those we appreciate after many years in spite of miles and time separating us. ...

I grew up in a house with cats. We had boy cats and girl cats, silly cats, funny cats, serious cats, shy cats, and occasionally the mentally challenged cat because let's face it, all cats aren't Mensa level. Ahem. Anyway, their dynamics were always fun to watch, and their companionship was always just part of life. Our new kitties, Miss Liza and Mr. Jarvis, are the coolest pair of cats I've ever encountered, and they bring us great joy and many chuckles because their antics are endless and their personalities continue to develop in cool ways as they mature. Liza is the instigator of the two, the brains of the operation. She likes to shred things with her little teeth. She shreds the newspaper, anything paper that's left out and she happens to notice, small rubber soccer balls, wadded up notebook paper (that I throw for her while I'm studying), you name it..she loves shredding stuff. Her killer instinct is well-honed, and it never ceases to amaze me when I fin...

This week marks one of two between terms. I plan to work as much as possible, relax a bit, regroup a lot, and generally catch my breath after the maelstrom of the last semester. I am coming off the emotional high of having my daughter home for a few days - she decided to surprise us and spent Easter weekend here. It was a birthday gift to her dad and me, and we are both absolutely delighted she decided to make the trek.  We watched movies, we hung out and said a lot and sometimes absolutely nothing, we ate wonderful meals and basically basked in being together again. She left very early this morning, and is almost home. She is, by now, on a train between Boston and Providence, and will be back in her apartment before the sun sets. She faces the final weeks of her college career, interviews with potential employers, final exams, and of course the nonstop celebration that Seniors enjoy as they face a very scary future - the unknown - and leave the relative safety of college life...

The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love. Henry Miller On this day dedicated to the celebration of love, I find myself pondering the meaning of that ethereal, sometimes surreal phenomenon that sustains and enriches and forces us to delve deeper into ourselves than we'd ever thought possible. What is love, exactly? It is what allows us to connect, to resonate with another, to find respite from the universe's seemingly endless onslaught. It is what makes us want to be better, to be stronger, more present, more available for another. It is what grows within us and blossoms when we least expect it, what evolves from fresh green sprout-like origins and matures into strong, supple, deep-rooted vines. The aging like fine wine analogy works well here, too. The people I love, and who love me, make me believe in the absolute connection that exists between all of us and everything in our universe. Love engenders hope, ...

I have a confession to make. In less than the time it takes to say 'Who's having a midlife???', I appear to be in the throes of a humdinger. A humdinger. Let me explain. First, Google caught me looking at Jimmy Choos, and now every time I go out to do a news surf,  pop ups for Jimmy Choos appear and lure tempt seduce me into looking.  Every time. And, well, I got to drive a Mustang yesterday. And that may have been a verrrrry bad thing. Said Mustang? Reignited my lust for cars that purr under your butt and respond nicely when you accelerate and feel HOT to drive and just make you go, "I am driving a classic, performance machine and ILOVEITVERYMUCHTHANKYOUVERYMUCH!" For the record, my car history for the last two decades looks like this: 1984 Honda Accord hatchback. Red. 5 speed manual transmission. My very first car ever that I picked out, then bought and paid for and owned for 15 years. Loved it. Husband ended up driving it after we hatched two c...

Love is one element, that, when withheld, can actually kill us. A human with no love is emotionally starved, and will die. The power of love is infinite. The variety of love is limitless. The healing power of love is miraculous. The capacity to which we are capable of love is immeasurable. There is only infinity when we speak of love. Any limitations are based on our own perceptions. One of the marvelous things about getting older is recognizing that it is possible to love so many people in so many ways and yet the supply never runs low, it only continues to flow. Love is, truly, all that really matters. Whether it is the love you feel for a child, for your lover, for your mother or father or deepest friends, for your dog or cat, nature, or God...love is the beautiful glue that binds us, that strengthens us, that inspires us. For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. Judy Garland Take a moment, during th...

You don't really need to answer the What is wrong with me question, as it was sort of rhetorical. Anyway, this was a big anniversary for GG and me, but it was definitely impacted by the reality that our baby girl was having surgery the next week. We had a quiet but lovely celebration, or celebrations, actually, and he outdid himself. Totally. This was our 25th anniversary. A big one, actually. Really big. In our time together we have loved deeply, fought heartily, and raised two amazing human beings. Raising children is interesting because what really happens is as they're growing up, you are too. There are no manuals for raising babies. And every one is different, so even if you think you know what you're doing with your first one, it's all bets are off for the next one. Seriously, our children couldn't be more different in terms of personality and general approach to life. Yet somehow, in spite of us, they have both grown up to be solid, caring, motivat...

Hot hot hot, that's what July has been so far. Fortunately our monsoons are beginning, which means some days we're fortunate enough to feel raindrops fall from the sky, wash the dust from the air and cool us down a bit. Some days, though,  those monsoons get a little carried away and stuff starts to wash away... One time when I was a little girl, maybe 10 or so, I saw a VW Bug floating down an arroyo...just bobbing along. Apparently they'd tried to cross running water that was deceptively shallow looking in a dip in the road, but in which the water was surging with enormous force and speed.... Everything turned out ok. Nobody was hurt, but that was a strange sight and represents the kind of weirdness that happens when heavy rains fall in a desert like ours. Anyway, it's hot. This summer has been a blur of activity, mostly good, but some not so good. A litany follows.... -Daughter came home to visit  (as I've already mentioned in an earlier post but stil...

Last weekend was full, ok maybe overfull, of events. To the point where I wondered where in the heck the whole thing had gone..somewhere around 1030 on Sunday night. It went something like... Early Saturday morning yoga session.  Breakfast. Saturday morning walk/jog. Shower. Golden Anniversary party for our neighbors at El Pinto, a local Mexican restaurant that served up the absolute largest bowl of guacamole we'd ever seen. Mmmm. And the event? Lovely. As my hubby and I approach 25 years of wedded bliss with a sense of purpose and happiness, these two absolutely shone in their Golden glory. Really they did. They've been through hell and back, those two. But here they are, still standing, and in fact, dancing and smiling and embracing and looking into each other's eyes with that 'You are my person, always have been, always will be' look that inspires. Me hustling off to the store for a couple of Father's Day needs, then back home to focus on some dome...

I love music that makes me nostalgic. Most music does that, which is part of its magic, yes? Today I'm awash in a veritable sea of nostalgia, courtesy of Allison Krauss (Nothing At All, Down to the River to Pray, Go to Sleep Little Baby), EmmyLou Harris (Pancho and Lefty, Tulsa Queen, Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend, Two More Bottles of Wine), and Willie Nelson with Johnny Cash (The Highwayman, Ghost Riders in the Sky), and EmmyLou Harris with Mark Knopfler (Why Worry?, Romeo and Juliet..and more). My Dad was also cheesy. We actually owned a Marty Robbins album, and the theme track to The Magnificent Seven, and Herb Albert & the Tijuana Brass. And Dave Brubeck. And Stan Kenton. And Gordon Lightfoot. Dad and I shared the cheese, and he taught me to love jazz and classical and folk and music in general. Fleetwood Mac could make him stop and just smile, regardless what he was into at that point, building a gorgeous piece of furniture or grooming his garden or reading a...

We've collected, or they've collected us, a group of really cool friends through the years. They run the gamut, these friends, and span every conceivable profession with the exception of psychiatry, though one of our friends has gone back to school and will be a practicing psychologist specializing in grief management once she gets through. Our friends are diverse, professionally as well as culturally, which makes for good conversation and spirited debates from time to time, as one might imagine. Two of these friends have been cohabbing for over a decade. A DECADE. He was married before, and apparently suffered so much emotional trauma during the breakup he vowed never to repeat that ever again.  She was also married before, under difficult circumstances, and divorced. She tried to save someone who wasn't ready to be saved, so when she left she was empty and sad. So when they got together and the sparks ignited and then they pursued their relationship and then they move...

This post, I warn you now, may feel a little sentimental. So leave if you're just not in the mood. Oh, and I'm going to talk about an upcoming trip, too, so if you're into travel plans, just skip over the sentimental stuff. Unless I'm too clever and mix 'em up. Which I might, because it's that kind of a day. Chameleons...adapt. They protect themselves by blending into whatever background they happen to be against at any moment in time. What a fabulous evolutionary trait, and one that serves them very well. I mean, they're still around, right? That alone speaks to the effectiveness of blending and adapting to current environments. I believe we as humans do the same, only emotionally. At least I know I have, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing but it just seems to be how I manage my life. There was a time, in a former life (literally, I was married, briefly, before, at a very early age and have still not forgiven my parents f...

No Strings Attached, our Wednesday movie du jour, illustrates this so well, and with such a beautiful cast, that I just had to comment. Have you ever noticed how, looking back, you realize how much of your life you've navigated fearing one outcome or another? Or reacting to prior experiences and allowing them to cloud the possibility of a new, positive one that would most likely eclipse the bad one and put it to rest for good, where it really belongs? I have. And I like to think that our journey here is about recognizing, then slowly, oh so slowly because how scary it is to consider giving up something as familiar and comfortable as the fear that has guided us for so very long, letting go of it. One stomach clench at a time. And realizing, on the other side of that release is something so much better, so much deeper and richer and lovelier and absolutely frightening in its own right, but infinitely more satisfying. It's worth the work, this reward of varying forms, ...