Desert Magnolia

Every day the sun comes up. And with that comes an opportunity to view life with renewed optimism and energy. Today was no exception. I realized that the dark cloud that had been following me dissipated while I slept.  The world itself was the same, in fact a nasty storm had added to the chaos by hammering Louisiana and Texas with Cat 4 forces overnight. But, for some reason, my skies cleared. My breaths deepened, my shoulders lifted, my spirit decided to lighten the hell up. Was it my guardian angels answering my soft plea for guidance through this shitstorm? Was it the endless hours of Qi Gong finally taking hold and settling my nervous system and emotions? Not sure, but something (or somethings) worked. And well. For this I am grateful, for obvious reasons. Today was a day of myriad domestic tasks, one of simple pleasures derived from creating order from chaos.  There was cooking, there was tidying, there was organizing, there was a calm from focus on just those things, nothing else

Months into this, I find myself just...bone tired.  Tired of the conversations.  Tired of the reality of daily fear layered over the reality of yearning for a quality life.  Tired of the politicization of a terrible health crisis.  Tired of the buildup to an election, the results of which hold our futures in balance - darkness and light are at work, this time.  Tired from being upbeat and supportive and so very very positive with each of my patients each and every treatment, day after day.  Tired from an endless summer of oppressive heat, big wind, very little rain.  Tired of being tired.   I really really want to take a deep breath, awaken one morning without the crashing realization, a few seconds after waking, that life is super complicated, rather dangerous, and without many of the simple opportunities I've come to take so much for granted.  I want to be able to hug freely, meet casually, feel a sense of lightness, and gather in casual or chic or fun or any fucking setting I fe